PRICE  TWENTY-FIVE  CENTS 


THE 

GOLDEN  GULCH 


A  DRAMA  IN  THREE  ACTS 


CHARLES  TOWNSEND 


DICK  Sc  FITZGERALD 

PUBLISHERS 

i8  Ann  Street,  New  York 


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••  t>;,* . 

>•  .r/ 


e^^.res.  i-i 


THE 


GOLDEN  GULCH 

\ 


AN  ORIGINAL  DRAMA  IN  THREE  ACTS 


CHARLES  TOWNSEND 

AUTHOR  OF 

'•  THE  WOVEN  WEB,”  “  BORDER  LAND,”  **  UNDER  A  CLOUD,”  «  SPY  09 
GETTYSBURG,”  RIO  GRANDE,”  “  THE  MOUNTAIN  WAIF,”  «  UNCLE 
JOSH,”  “  MISS  MADCAP,”  “  BROKEN  FETTERS,”  «  SHAUN  AROON,” 

«  THE  MAN  FROM  MAINE,”  “  ON  GUARD,”  «  THE  JAIL  BIRD,” 

«  A  BREEZY  CALL,”  «  WONDERFUL  LETTER,”  ETC. 


AUTHOR'S  EDITION 

/  *  r 


< 


Copyright,  1893,  by  Charles  Townsend. 


NEW  YORK 

DICK  &  FITZGERALD,  PUBLISHERS  ' 
18  Ann  Street 


I 


Note  : — The  acting  rights  of  this  play  are  expressly  reserved  by  the 
author.  Actors  and  managers  wishing  to  produce  it  should  apply  to  the 
author  in  care  of  the  publisher.  Amateur  representation  may  be  made 
without  such  application,  and  without  charge. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 


Frank  Evarts,  .... 
George  Dixon,  .  .  .  ,  , 
Fergus  O’Gooligan,  .  . 
Peter  Naggle,  .... 
Chummy  Litewate,  .  . 

Broncho  Bill, . 

One  Lung, . 

Senator  Juniper  Toots, 
Ikey  Einstein,  .... 
Taxicum  Sniffles,  .  .  . 

Old  Magnus, . 

Jess.  Horton, . 

Mrs.  Naggle, . 

Miss  Matilda  Corey,  . 


. A  Government  Scout, 

.  .  .  <‘  Gentleman  George^*  an  outlaw,  \ 
........  Who  runs  the  “  coortl* 

Landlord  of  the  **  Golden  Gulch  hotel,  i 

. A  New  York  blossom, 

. A*^  toughy — Dixon^s  “ paV* 

. A  Chinese  servant, 

,  . . A  political «  coonl*  ; 

. . A  few  peddler,  \ 

. An  alleged  «  reformer^ 

. A  degenerate  Indian, 

,,,,,,,,,  Betrothed  to  Frank, 

. The  landlord's  wife, 

. . A  faded  fower. 


Place. — California.  Time. — ^The  present  day.  The  first  act  occurs 
in  the  afternoon ;  the  second  and  third  acts  on  the  following  day. 


Time  of  Playing — Two  Hours  and  a  Quarter. 


SYNOPSIS  OF  INCIDENTS. 

Act  I. — The  Golden  Gulch  Hotel. — The  musical  Chinaman. — “  Annie 
Rooney.” — A  scheme. — The  festive  dude  and  the  negro  politician. — The 
Jew  peddler. — Gentleman  George  makes  a  purchase. — Jess  and  the  out¬ 
law. — Frank  and  Naggle  compare  notes. — “We  might  hang  ’em  on  gen¬ 
eral  principles.” — Old  acquaintances. — A  warning. — The  dude  on  his 
muscle. — The  card  sharper. — The  tract  distributer. — The  game  begins. 
—Frank  takes  a  hand. — “  Hands  up !  I  hold  a  trump  card  1  ” — ”  I  hold 
another  I 


e  ■res  .  0  ^  ■ 


f 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


NO 


Act  II. — Among  the  hills. — Time,  the  following  morning. — Ireland 
and  Africa  at  war. — The  “  noble  red  man  ”  joins  in. — A  big  scare  and 
nobody  hurt. — The  missionary  makes  a  trial. — “  Big  fool !  Wah !  ” — The 
false  message. — The  robbery. — Old  Ikey  in  the  toils. — The  dude  investi¬ 
gates. — He  strikes  a  hard  customer. — A  villainous  scheme. — The  accusa¬ 
tion  of  murder. — “  Stand  back  !  It's  my  turn  now  !  ” 

bAcT  III. — At  the  hotel,  an  hour  later. — Active  prohibition — Toots  and 
’Gooligan  on  a  bender. — The  Chinese  way. — The  smashed  up  mission- 
jary. — Toots  makes  an  offer. — Frank  a  prisoner. — Judge  O’Gooligan  opens 
'court. — A  comical  judge. — Getting  a  jury. — “  Tut,  tut  now,  don’t  say  a 
jword !  ” — The  trial. — The  Judge  presents  the  case. — Some  tough  evi- 
jdence. — The  verdict. — The  attempted  murder. — The  end  of  “  Gentleman 
jGeorge.” — Finale. 

I  PROPERTIES. 

i  (See  also  «  Scene  Plot  ”  and  «  Costumes.”) 

1 

I  Act  I. — Filled  bottles,  glasses,  and  cigars  in  box  on  bar;  packs  of 
[cards  on  tables ;  money  for  George  and  Litewate  ;  valise,  shawl  in 
shawl-strap,  hat  box  and  package  of  cigarettes  for  Toots  ;  revolvers  and 
knives  for  the  various  characters;  matches;  peddler’s  pack  and  gold 
watch  for  Ikey  ;  letter  in  envelope  for  Litewate  ;  very  large  valise  con- 
|;aining  tracts,  for  O’Gooligan. 

Act  II. — Valise  and  pole  for  Toots  and  O’Gooligan;  bundle  of  tracts 
|for  Sniffles  ;  black  cloth  masks  for  George  and  Bill  ;  old  fashioned 
jistol  for  Ikey  ;  revolvers  for  other  characters,  one  loaded  with  blank 
partridge  for  Frank;  book  for  Litewate;  cigarettes  and  matches  for 
ATEWATE ;  peddler’s  pack  for  Ikey. 

Act  III. — Bar  stocked  as  before ;  bottle  for  O’Gooligan  ;  large  valise 
for  Sniffles  ;  rope  for  Naggle  ;  shot-gun  for  O’Gooligan  ;  revolvers  for 
|>thcr  characters ,  six  rough  chairs  for  One  Lung  to  bring  on. 

STAGE  SETTINGS. 


Acts  I  and  III. 


'4 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


SCENE  PLOT. 

Act  I. — Bar  room  in  the  Golden  Gulch  Hotel,  in  4th  grooves.  Doors' 
L.  c.  in  flat,  R.  I  E.  and  L.  i  E.  (i)  short  bar  up  R.,  with  bottles,  glasses' 
cigars,  etc.  Small,  rough  pine  tables  (2)  and  (3)  with  stools,  R.  and  l’ 
front ;  (4)  stools  up  L, 

Act  21. — A  rocky  pass  In  the  mountains,  in  5th  grooves.  Flat  show‘s 
rocks  or  mountain  scenery,  (i)  and  (2)  Set  rocks,  r.  u.  e.  and  L.  U. 
(3)  Tree  stump  R.  front.  (4)  Rocky  bank  l.  front.  Wings,  trees  anr 
rocks.  Sky  borders. 

Act  III. — Same  as  Act  I.  1 

COSTUMES.  I 

(See  also,  “  Remarks  on  the  Play.”) 

Frank  Evarts. — Buckskin  suit,  with  gray  woolen  shirt  underneat” 
coat ;  wide  hat ;  belt  holding  revolvers  and  knife.  . 

George  Dixon. — Dresses  in  frontier  style,  but  rather  loud.  Wears  sor 
hat  and  sports  many  diamonds. 

O’Gooligan. — Old  fashioned  “  swallow  tail  ”  coat,  plaid  trousers,  fig* 
ured  vest,  soiled  collar,  flaming  tie,  battered  hat. 

Naggle. — Woolen  shirt,  dark  vest  and  trousers;  no  coat  except  in  sec* 
ond  act.  Slouch  hat. 

Litewate. — Typical  “  dude  ”,  gotten  up  in  English  tourist  style'* 
Checked  or  plaid  suit ;  leggins ;  double  visor  cap ;  short  coat. 

Bill. — A  regular  western  “  tough.”  Wears  trousers  in  boots,  woole)^ 
shirt,  slouch  hat ;  belt  with  knife  and  revolver. 

One  Lung. — Usual  Chinese  suit — loose  blouse,  baggy  trousers. 

Toots. — Modern,  but  rather  “  loud  ”  suit.  Very  large  collar  and  cuffs' 

Ikey. — Long  coat ;  dark  suit ;  cap  ;  high  boots. 

Sniffles. — Quaker  dress — long,  straight  coat ;  white  tie ;  black  cottoi^ 
gloves ;  straight,  broad  brim  hat. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH.  5 

Magnus — Tattered  army  blanket;  soiled  and  dirty  suit,  battered 
white  “  plug  ”  hat. 

Jess, — Neat  house  dress.  Hat  for  second  act. 

Matilda. — Overdressed,  in  the  regulation  “old  maid  ”  style. 

Mrs.  Naggle. — Plain  house  dress.  Hat  for  second  act. 

REMARKS. 

The  Golden  Gulch  is  a  play  of  western  life,  full  of  breezy  action, 
exciting  situations,  thrilling  incidents,  and  is  fairly  bubbling  over  with 
that  bright  fun  for  which  its  talented  author  is  famous.  It  is  especially 
suited  for  amateurs,  owing  to  the  range  of  its  characters  and  the  ease  with 
which  it  may  be  produced.  Only  two  scenes  are  required,  both  easily 
arranged,  while  the  costumes  and  properties  are  very  simple. 

For  those  who  take  part  in  the  play,  the  following  hints  will  prove  use¬ 
ful  in  regard  to  making-up  and  acting  each  character. 

Evarts  is  about  twenty-five  years  of  age.  He  is  a  fearless,  manly 
young  fellow,  quick  to  resent  an  insult,  but  neither  quarrelsome  nor 
revengeful.  He  speaks  good  English,  is  easy  in  bearing,  and  therefore 
should  be  free  and  unrestrained  in  manner.  The  climax  of  each  act 
should  be  worked  up  quickly,  and  the  kniJe  fight  with  George  in  the  last 
act  must  be  short  and  snappy.  Frank  “  makes  up  ”  rather  fair. 

.  George  is  a  dark  complexioned  man  of  thirty-five.  His  hair  is  black, 
and  he  wears  a  long,  black  mustache.  He  uses  good  English,  speaks  and 
£.cts  quietly,  but  is  very  quick  in  movement.  In  the  second  act  when  he 
accosts  Frank,  he  wears  a  rough  suit  and  is  disguised  with  a  heavy  black 
beard.  He  then  speaks  roughly.  In  his  scene  with  Ikey  he  wears  a 
black  mask  on  his  face,  and  when  he  comes  on  to  accuse  Frank  of  the 
murder,  he  wears  the  same  clothing  as  in  the  first  act. 

Litewate  is  a  typical  “  dude  ”  with  the  usual  drawl,  vacant  stare  and 
general  air  of  stupidity  characteristic  of  such  creatures.  The  only  time 
that  he  exhibits  any  evidence  of  manhood  is  when  he  knocks  the  China¬ 
man  down,  and  then  he  should  assume  an  air  of  great  astonishment  at  his 
own  bravery.  Make  him  up  smooth-faced  and  very  fair. 

,  One  Lung  is  the  customary  stage  Chinaman.  In  playing  this  charac¬ 
ter  do  not  overdo  it.  The  Chinese  are  not  jumping-jacks,  remember; 
therefore  play  the  part  rather  quietly. 

Naggle  is  a  middle-aged  man,  and  the  part  admits  of  considerable 
broad  comedy  in  the  scenes  with  Mrs.  Naggle.  He  should  be  “  made 
up  ”  red-faced,  with  a  small  chin  beard.  As  he  does  not  appear  in  the 
second  act  until  near  the  end,  his  part  is  usually  doubled  with  that  of 
Magnus. 

I  O’Gooligan  is  an  old-fashioned  comedy  Irishman,  about  fifty  years  of 
age.  He  is  red-faced,  slightly  bald,  and  full  of  odd  mannerisms — some- 
■<imes  speaking  slowly  and  again  with  the  utmost  rapidity.  He  has  a  rich 
)rogue,  and  should  be  played  throughout  in  the  lines  of  eccentric  comedy, 
dis  speeches  to  the  jury  must  be  delivered  in  a  highly  pompous  manner, 
.|lnd  his  entire  acting  should  be  a  mixture  of  pomposity  and  good  fellow* 


6 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


Bill  is  a  regulation  western  rough  of  thirty.  He  wears  a  full  beard, 
speaks  gruffly,  and  is  a  typical  hard  character.” 

Ikey  is  a  man  of  between  fifty  and  sixty.  He  is  very  dark,  with  black 
hair  and  a  long,  full  beard.  Walks  slightly  bent,  but  is  brisk  and  ener¬ 
getic  in  manner. 

Toots  is  the  usual  stage  negro,  aijd  there  is  nothing  to  distinguish  him 
from  others  of  his  class  except  his  unusually  pompous  manner. 

Sniffles  is  a  “take-off”  on  the  canting,  hypocritical  “reformer,”  and 
the  part  admits  of  considerable  exaggeration.  Sniffles  walks  very  erect, 
uses  no  gestures,  rarely  turns  his  head,  and  speaks  in  a  nasal,  drawling 
tone.  He  is  smooth-shaven,  and  is  “  made  up  ”  without  color. 

Magnus  is  an  Indian  of  uncertain  age.  He  is  straight  and  dignified  in 
spite  of  his  rags.  Use  the  regular  shade  of  “  Indian  ”  grease  paint,  and 
wear  an  Indian  wig. 

Jess  is  a  girl  of  eighteen.  Her  “  make  up  ”  is  immaterial,  but  her  face 
should  show  considerable  healthy  color.  She  has  a  strong  scene  in  the 
third  act,  which  must  be  played  with  spirit. 

Mrs.  Naggle  is  a  brisk,  florid,  self-assertive  woman  of  forty.  Her 
lines  must  be  spoken  rapidly  and  in  a  very  positive  manner. 

Matii.da  is  that  well-known  character-^a  theatrical  old  maid.  The 
paint  on  her  face  must  be  en  evidencCy  and  she  should  assume  that  air  of 
maidenly  coyness  so  characteristic  of  such  roles. 

The  business  of  this  play  must  be  carefully  and  thoroughly  rehearsed^ 
as  the  action  cannot  be  allowed  to  drag. 


ABBREVIATIONS. 


In  observing,  the  player  is  supposed  to  face  the  audience,  c.  means 
centre;  R.,  right;  L.,  left;  R.  C.,  right  of  centre;  L.  C.,  left  of  centre; 
C.  D.,  centre  door;  R.  D.,  right  door;  i..  D.,  left  door;  D.  R.  C.,  door  right 
of  centre;  D.  L.  C.,  door  left  of  centre;  D.  F.,  door  in  the  flat;'C.  D.  F., 
centre  door  in  the  flat;  R.  D.  F.,  right  door  in  the  flat;  L.  D.  F.,  left  door 
in  the  flat;  i  G.,  2  G,,  3  G.,  etc.,  first,  second  or  third  grooves,  etc.;  i  E.j, 
2  E,,  3  E.,  etc.,  first,  second  or  third  entrances,  etc. ;  R.  u.  e.,  right  upper 
entrance  ;  l.  u.  e.,  left  upper  entrance;  up,  up  stage,  or  toward  the  rear^ 
DOWN,  down  stage,  or  toward  the  audience ;  X.  means  to  crors  the  stage ; 
X.  R.,  cross  toward  the  right;  X.  L.,  cross  towaid  the  left.  1 


R. 


R.  C 


C. 


L.C,. 


U 


o 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


ACT  I. 

Scene. — Bar-room  in  the  Golden  Gulch  Hotels  in  4th  grooves.  Doors 
L.  c.  in  flat,  R.  I  E.  and  l.  i  e.  Short  bar  up  R.,  with  bottles, 
glasses,  etc.  Small  rough  tables  and  stools  R.  and  i..  front.  Stools 

up  L. 


Enter  One  Lung,  d.  F. 

r 

One  L.  {Sings  as  he  enters ;  air,  **  Annie  Rooney.**). 

Slee’s  my  sweeth’a’t  I’m  hay  beau, 

Slee’s  my  Annie  I’m  hay  Joe ; 

Soon  we’ll  mally,  neva  to  pa’t, 

Li’le  Annie  Looney  is  my  sweeth’a’t. 

Me  singee  Annie  Looney  all  samee  like  Melican  man.  Ole  man 
Naggle  say  me  singee  likee  tom  cat.  Ole  man  Haggle  big  foolee. 
{Looks  around.^  Allee  ’lone?  Ah!  {Points  to  bar.)  Buggee 
juice  I  Me  feel  velly  sick.  Need  buggee  juice.  (  Tiptoes  to  bar,  and 
takes  bottle.)  Ah — lookee  good — smellee  good — tastee  good. 
{Business  of  smelling  and  drinking.)  Buggee  juice  good  fo’  China¬ 
man.  {Drinks.)  Ah.  Feelee  good.  Medancee!  {Dancesand 
sings. ) 

Enter  Mrs.  Haggle,  with  broom,  D.  F. 

/ 

Mrs.  N.  Oh,  I’ll  give  you  Annie  Rooney!  {Beats  him  with 
broom.) 

One  L.  Oh,  me  sick,  me  sick!  {Runs  down  R. 

Mrs.  N.  I’ll  make  you  sicker !  {Starts  down  r. 

One  L.  (on  knees).  Oh  Miss  Naggle,  me  velly,  velly  sick. 


I 


8 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


^Hands  on  stomach.')  Me  gottee  clamp  in  stomach.  Medie*  nui 
die  1  Oh  I  Me  die  heap  soon  quick  i 

Enter  Naggle,  D.  F. 

Nag.  What*s  the  matter  now  ? 

One  L.  Me  most  dead. 

Mrs.  N.  I  caught  him  drinking  some  of  your  vile  whiskey,  and 
he  says  he  has  a  cramp,  and  I  don’t  doubt  it,  for  the  horrible  stuff 
you  sell  would  cramp  a  wagon.  If  you  were  a  decent  man,  Mr. 
Naggle,  you  would  pitch  it  all  out  doors  instead  of  selling  it  to  the 
poor  miners  to  give  them  hypos  and  jim  jams,  soiyou  would. 

One  L.  {aside).  She  givee  ole  man  fits.  Hoolay  ! 

Nag.  But,  my  dear,  I - 

Mrs.  N.  Don’t  dear  me.  Every  time  that  I  come  into  this 
room,  (  bachs  Naggle  towards  d.  f.)  I  get  so  mad  that  I  could 
take  you  and  shake  you  right  out  of  your  shoes  ! 

[7%^  exeunt,  D.  F. 

One  L.  Ole  woman  gottee  hackee  up.  Alice  samee  me  no 
care.  {Sits  at  table  r.,  with  cards.)  Have  gamee  cards. 

\Plays. 

Enter  Broncho  Bill  and  George,  d.  f. 

Bill.  All  right,  pard.  We  kin  have  a  quiet  talk  here. 

\Jerks  One  Lung  to  his  feet  and  sends  hbn  spinning  tolu.  front. 

One  L.  Big  Bill  choakee  ! 

Bill.  Clear  out,  you  moon-eyed  leper. 

One  L.  Eh,  Whatee  you  say  ? 

Bill  {points  revolver).  You  git. 

One  L.  You  bet !  \Runs  ^  L.  I  E. 

Geo.  {sits  R.,  laughing).  You  waste  little  ceremony  on  him. 

Bill.  Yer  right,  pard.  Them  air  heathens  aint  no  ’count,  mor’n 
a  Digger  Injun.  Ef  I  had  my  way.  I’d  run  every  blamed  yaller 
face’n  tenderfoot  outer  ther  State. 

Geo.  Not  the  latter,  old  man.  They  are  too  rich  plucking. 

Bill.  Wall,  ef  I  cud  hold  up  a  stage  coach  easy  as  you  do. 

Geo.  {cautiously).  Hush!  Walls  have  ears,  you  know. 

Bill.  Don’t  be  skeered,  pard.  Thar’s  nobody  listenin’.  I  seen 
the  sheriff  goin’  over  ter  Duffy’s,  an’  that  cussed  Frank  Evarts 
aint  nowhar  ’round. 

Geo.  Do  you  think  that  the  sheriff  suspects? 

Bill.  Nary  a  time.  That  feller  Evarts  is  up  to  snuff  though. 

Geo.  {savagely).  I’ll  snuff  him  out  if  he  crosses  my  path. 

Bill.  Shake,  pard.  {They  clasp  hands.)  I’m  with  ye  thar.  | 
hate  that  feller  wuss  'n  pizen.  An*  I  jest— 


1 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH,  9 

Geo.  Never  mind  him  now.  Tell  me  what  you  know  about  this 
Jew  peddler. 

Bill.  Wall,  old  Ikey  he’s  got  dead  loads  o’  swag  about  him. 
He  don’t  peddle  ’round  these  air  diggins  fer  nothin’.  He  has  a 
pile  o’  rich  jew’lry  an’  1  reckon  as  how  he’s  a  big  wad  o’  ther  need¬ 
ful  salted  down  in  his  clothes. 

Geo.  When  will  he  leave  here  ? 

Bill.  To-night  or  to-morrer  mornin*,  I  reckon.  He’ll  cross  ther 
Divide  an’  head  fer  Sandy  Bar.  That’s  ther  way  he  allers  goes. 

Geo.  Does  he  travel  alone  ? 

Bill.  Yes,  onless  some  o’  ther  boys  should  be  goin’  his  way. 

Geo.  That  reminds  me.  I  heard  Evarts  say  that  he  was  going 
over  to  Sandy  Bar  in  the  morning.  It’s  a  short  walk,  and  we’ll  see 
that  Ikey  goes  with  him.  When  they  get  well  up  the  Divide  I’ll 
rig  myself  up  in  one  of  my  disguises  and  send  Evarts  back  on  a 
fool’s  errand. 

Bill.  And  then  ? 

Geo.  Why  then  we’ll  cook  the  Jew’s  goose  and  lay  it  to 
Evarts. 

Bill.  You’re  a  slick  one.  No  wonder  they  call  you  **  Gentleman 
George.”  You’re  jest  as  fly  a  gent  as  I  ever  see. 

Geo.  Thanks.  Does  the  Jew  go  armed  ? 

Bill.  Yes — but  we’ll  cover  him  afore  he  can  draw. 

Geo.  Hush  !  Some  one  is  coming.  Deal  the  cards. 

[  They  play. 

Enter  Toots,  Matilda  and  Chummy,  d.  f. 

Toots.  Har  yo’  is,  sah.  Dis  am  de  hotel. 

‘  Mat.  Goodness  gracious  !  Do  they  call  this  a  hotel? 

Chum.  Yaas.  But  it’s  an  awfully  rough  place,  don’t  you  know. 
Bah  Jove  !  I  wonder  where  the  landlord  is. 

Toots.  Dunno  sah.  {Places  bundles  etc. on  bar.)  I’ll  fine  out. 

Chum.  Yaas,  do.  [Places  stool for  Matilda  who  sits  at  rear. 

Toots  {to  George).  ’Scuse  me  sah,  but  are  yo’  de  lan’lord? 

Geo.  No.  Who  are  you? 

•  Toots.  Who  is  I  ?  I  ?  Why  sah,  I’se  Senator  Juniper  Toots,  sah. 
I’se  a  politician  sah.  Dat’s  what  I  is. 

Geo.  A  politician, eh  ?  What  are  you  doing  here? 

Toots.  Well  sah,  yo’  see,  politics  am  pow’ful  weak  jes’  now,  so 
I’se  cavortin’  eround  as  de  trabblin’  kimpanion  ob  er  gemman  ob 
leisure.  [Lights  cigarette. 

Bill.  Say,  come  here. 

Toots  {comes  to  table).  Yes,  sah. 

Bill.  Is  he  heeled  ?  [Chummy  searches  valise. 

Toots.  I  dunno  wha’  yo’  mean,  sah. 


10 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


Bill.  I  me^li  has  he  got  any  dust. 

Toots.  Oh  yes,  sah,  he  am  berry  dusty. 

Bill.  You  infernal  baboon  !  I  want  to  know - 

Geo.  {aside  to  Bill).  Easy,  Bill.  {Aloud.)  My  friend  wants  td 
know  if  the  gentleman  is  wealthy. 

Toots.  Oh  yes,  sah.  He  am  berry  rich. 

Chum.  Juniper! 

Toots.  Yes  sah. 

Chum.  I  cawnt  find  me  cigawettes. 

Toots  {producing package).  Har  dey  am,  sah.  I  done  took 'em 
to  keep  ’em  from  spilin’.  ^Comes  down. 

Chum.  Yaas.  He  has  kept  a  number  from  spoiling. 

Toots.  Duz  yo’  gemmen - 

Chum.  Juniper! 

Toots.  Yes  sah. 

Chum.  Pawfume  me  handkerchief. 

Toots.  Yes  sah.  \Joim  CHUMMY. 

Bill.  Is  that  air  thing  what  they  call  a  dood? 

Geo.  Yes — he ’s  a  genuine  specimen. 

Bill.  I  wonder  what  them  things  war  made  fer. 

'  Geo.  This  one  was  made  for  me  to  pluck. 

Enter  Naggle,  R  I  E. 

I* 

Bill.  I  say,  Sheriff,  here’s  some  customers  for  you. 

Mat.  Customers?  {To  Bill.)  Look  here,  mister,  I’ll  have  you 
to  know  if  you  please,  that  Tm  not  in  the  habit  of  boarding  in  jail 
with  a  sheriff,  though  you  look  as  if  you  were  and  that’s  a  fact, 
and  if  you  aint  you  ought  to  be,  which  is  my  opinion  and  I  don’t 
care  who  knows  it.  And  I’ll  have  you  to  know  that  I’m  Miss 
Matilda  Corey  of  Massachusetts  where  I’ve  been  teaching  school, 
and  my  folks  are  as  good  as  anybody  else’s,  mister !  Sheriff  in¬ 
deed  ! 

Geo.  {rising  and  bowing).  Miss,  allow  me  to  apologize  for  my 
friend.  The  sheriff  is  also  the  landlord  of  this  hotel,  so  you  see 
this  gentleman  meant  no  offence. 

Mat.  Well,  I’m  glad  to  know  that. 

Geo.  I  assure  you  on  my  honor  as  a  gentleman,  that  there  isn't 
a  man  in  the  Golden  Gulch  who  would  knowingly  say  a  word  to 
offend  such  a  charming  young  lady  as  yourself. 

Mat.  {gushingly).  Thank  you  sir.  {Aside.)  What  a  perfectly 
delightful  man.  Sit  still  my  heart ! 

Bill  {aside).  Well,  ef  he  ain’t  got  nerve  1 

Nag.  Would  you  like  a  room,  miss  ? 

Mat.  So  you  are  the  landlord,  eh  ? 

Nag.  Yes,  miss. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


II 


Mat,  And  the  sheriff  too  ? 

Nag,  Yes,  miss  ;  I  have  that  honor. 

Mat.  Well  you  ought  to  arrest  yourself  and  lock  yourself  up  for 
false  pretenses  in  running  a  place  like  this,  calling  it  a  hotel  and 

? getting  people’s  money  without  value  received,  and  I  want  a  room 

acing  the  east  only  one  flight  up  and - 

Nag.  Excuse  me,  I’ll  call  my  wife.  n-  F.,  calls.)  Mrs. 

Naggle  !  Come  here,  please.  ^Aside,)  I  hope  they’ll  talk  each 
other’s  heads  off. 

Enter  Mrs.  Naggle,  d.  f. 

Mrs.  N.  Well,  what  is  it  ? 

Nag.  This — er — young  lady  desires  a  room. 

Mrs.  No  All  right — this  way,  miss.  I’ll  show  you  the  best  room 
in  the  house,  and  will  do  my  best  to  make  it  comfortable  for  you. 
We  make  no  pretentions  here  to  style,  but  we  try  to  make  our 
guests  feel  at  home.' 

Mat.  [goes  up,  talking  right  through  Mrs.  Haggle’s  speech  with¬ 
out  paying  any  attention  to  her).  I  am  glad  to  see  a  woman’s  face 
again,  for  it  seems  an  age  since  I  left  home,  and  I  am  very  shy 
and  retiring  in  nature  and  it  is  really  painful  for  me  to  be  thrown 
into  the  society  of  these  dreadful  men,  and  I  feel  as  if  I  should  drop 
from  fatigue.  [Exit  D.  F.,  with  Mrs.  Naggle,  both  talking. 

Nag.  It’s  a  dead  heat.  I  reckon  Mrs.  Naggle  has  found  her 
match  at  last. 

Geo.  Where  did  you  find  her  ? 

Chum.  I  didn’t  find  her  anywhere,  don’t  you  know.  She  found 

me,  and  I  wish  she’d  lose  me.  I  say,  landlord - 

Nag.  Yes,  sir.  Can  I  do  anything  for  you  ? 

Chum.  Yaas.  I’d  like  a  woom,  don’t  you  know. 

Toots.  Yes,  sah.  We’d  bofe  like  a  room. 

Chum,  [to  Toots).  I’ll  do  the  talking,  don’t  you  know. 

Nag.  What  sort  of  room  do  you  want? 

Chum.  A  woom  with  a-aw-heat  and  a  bawth. 

Toots.  Yes,  sah.  We  wants  a  fiah  an’  bath. 

Chum.  Blaust  it.  Juniper,  shut  up. 

Toots.  Yes,  sah.  \Gathers  up  valise,  bundles,  etc. 

Nag.  I  can  fix  you  up.  I  have  a  nice  room  with  a  real  bed,  and 
a  nice,  new,  tin  basin. 

Chum,  [aside).  A  tin  basin  !  Good  gwacious  I 
Nag.  Would  you  like  to  see  it  ? 

Chum.  Oh  yaas — I  suppose  so. 

Nag.  This  way,  then.  [Goes  h.,  followed  by  Chummy. 

Toots  [who  has  stolen  a  drink  from  the  bottle  on  bar).  Wow! 
Ouch !  O-o-o-ooch  !  [Drops  everything  and  doubles  up. 

Chum.  Good  gwacious  I 


OF  IbJla  Lil6k 


ta 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


All.  What*s  the  matter  ? 

Toots.  Ise  killed,  Ise  killed  !  De  pizen  in  dat  bottle  I 

Nag.  Poison  ?  It’s  my  best  whiskey.  Come  along. 

Toots.  Am  dat  so?  [Gathers  ufi  packages.)  It  burned  a  hole 
right  frew  de  back  ob  my  neck.  Golly  !  A  bottle  ob  dat  stuff  ud 
heat  a  room  a  hunnerd  degrees  'bove  bilein’. 

[Follows  the  others  off  L.  i  E. 

Geo.  That  tenderfoot  will  be  an  easy  mark. 

Bill.  Yer  right.  Wouldn’t  mind  havin’  a  whack  at  him  my« 
self.  [Rises  and  goes  up. 

Geo.  Well,  I  think  I’ll  take  a  stroll.  [Rises, 

Bill  [at  D.  F.).  Hole  on  a  minute.  Here  comes  ole  Ikey. 

Geo.  Good.  Keep  mum  now — I’ve  got  a  scheme. 

Enter  Ikey,  with  bundlCt  D.  F. 

Ikey.  Goot  day,  shentlemen — goot  day. 

Geo.  Hello,  Ikey  !  How  do  you  flourish  ?  [Shakes  hands, 

Ikey.  Veil,  I’m  alife  und  kicking,  ain’t  it? 

Geo.  Getting  rich  I  suppose  ? 

Ikey.  Rich?  [Placing  bundle  on  floor  in  front  of  bar.)  Me?  So 
hellup  me  gracious,  shentlemens,  I  sells  my  goods  so  sheap  I  gets 
poorer  und  poorer  effery  day. 

Bill.  Bah  !  He  makes  me  tired !  R.  of  table,  R. 

Geo.  Well,  what  have  you  so  cheap  now  ? 

Ikey  [briskly).  Efferyting — efferyting.  Vot  you vant,  eh?  Rings, 
pins,  chains,  or  a  boot\iw\  golt  vatch,  ch? 

Geo.  Show  me  a  watch — a  good  one,  mind  you. 

Ikey.  Solid  golt,  eh  ? 

Geo.  Do  you  suppose  I  would  carry  a  Waterbury? 

Ikey.  Uf  course  not.  ’Sh  !  Don’t  say  nottings.  (  Takes  watch 
from  pocket.)  I  haf,here  a  magneeficent  golt  repeater  dot  I  got 
right  from  Geneva.  It  vas  bootiful,  bootiful.  Oxamine  it,  mine 
frient. 

Geo.  [looks  at  watch).  Quite  a  watch.  What’s  it  worth  ? 

Ikey.  Dot  votch?  Dere  vos  nottings  to  equal  dot  piece  of  vork 
in  der  whole - 

Geo.  What’s  it  worth,  I  said  ? 

Ikey.  ’Sh  !  Don’t  tole  somebody — people  might  say  I  vos  crazy 
—but  you  can  have  dot  votch  for  a  t’ousand  tollar.  I  haf  shown 
dot  to  a  lot  uf  de  boys,  und  dey  all  say - 

Geo.  [returning  watch).  Good-day.  [Goes  up. 

Ikey.  Here — here  !  Vot’s  der  matter  mit  you  ? 

Geo.  Oh,  nothing.  [Continues  up, 

Ikey.  Vait!  Come  back.  [George  returns.)  I  tell  you  you  vot ,* 
it’s  ruination  to  me,  but  take  it  for  seven  hundred. 

Geo.  Not  to-day,  {Going, 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


13 


Ikey.  Here !  Don’t  rush  off  like  dot.  I  shall  be  so  prout  to  see 
you  carry  dot  vatch  dot  I  lose  a  couple  hundred.  Gif  me  five 
hundred. 

Geo.  Too  high. 

Ikey.  Suffering  Abraham !  He  vants  to  ruin  me.  Vot  you  give, 
eh? 

Geo.  I’ll  go  two  hundred  for  it. 

Ikey.  Goot  day,  mine  friend.  \Starts  up. 

Geo.  All  right,  good  day, 

Ikey  {pausing  at  Jy.  F.).  I  tells  you  rot— gif  me— - 

Geo.  Not  another  red. 

Ikey.  Say  three  hundred. 

Geo.  I  said  two  hundred, 

Ikey.  Veil — take  it.  But  if  mine  brooder  Moses  hear  uf  it  he 
dies  uf  a  broken  heart.  [Gives  watch. 

Geo.  Here  you  are.  Ikey. 

Ikey.  Yesh.  {Counts  money.')  Correct.  By  de  vay,  vos  dere some¬ 
body  going  ofer  to  Sandy  Bar  to-night? 

Geo.  No,  but  Frank  Evarts,  the  scout,  is  going  over  in  the 
morning. 

Ikey.  Den  I  vaits  und  goes  mit  him.  {Goes aside.)  Dot  sale 
VOS  ruination.  I  makes  only  a  hundred  und  fifty  tollars  on  dot 
votch  !  [Exit,  R.  I  E. 

Bill.  Wall,  that  gits  me. 

Geo.  What? 

Bill.  Wall,  I  thought  I  war  purty  fly,  but  blamed  ef  I  kin  see 
why  you  bought  ther  watch  when  you’d  a  pinched  it  to-morrer 
anyhow. 

Geo.  I  told  you  I  had  a  scheme. 

Bill.  Spit  er  out. 

Geo.  Ikey  has  shown  this  watch  to  several  of  the  boys.  Suppose 
it  is  found  in  Evarts’  possession  ?  This,  with  our  testimony,  will 
be  enough  to  hang  him. 

Bill  {rising).  Kin  you  do  it  ? 

Geo.  Certainly  I  can. 

Bill,  Put  ’er  thar,  pard.  {Shahes  hand.)  You’re  a  fust-class  un, 
you  are. 

Geo.  That  Evarts  is  entirely  too  good  for  this  wicked  world. 

Bill.  So  we’ll  send  him  whar  he’ll  be  ’predated. 

Enter  Jess,  D.  F, 

Jess.  Will  you,  though  !  , 

Bill.  Eh  ?  Oh,  it’s  you,  is  it? 

Jess.  Yes,  it’s  me  is  it.  You’re  a  healthy  specimen,  you  are,  to 
talk  about  doin’  Frank  Evarts.  Why,  you  big  coward,  he’ll  break 
you  right  into  bits. 


14 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


Bill.  Shut  up,  you  jade  ! 

Geo.  [laughing).  Go  it,  spit-fire  ! 

Jess  [to  George).  And  you,  too  !  You  try  to  pass  yours61f  off 
as  a  gentleman.  But  it  won’t  work  in  these  diggin’s.  If  possible, 
you’re  worse  'n  that  big  loafer.  [Pointing  to  Bill. 

Bill  [shakes  Jess).  Shut  up  now,  or  I’ll  snake  yer  sassy  head 

off! 

Enter  Frank,  d.  f.,  carrying  a  coat  which  he  throws  on  chairnear 

door.  Springs  forward,  knocks  Bill  down,  draws  Jess  to  him 

with  left  arm,  and  covers  Bill  with  revolver. 

Frank  [coolly).  I  guess  not ! 

Bill.  Curse  you  I’ll — I’ll - 

Frank.  Oh,  no,  you  won’t.  Get  up.  (Bill  rises.)  Get  out. 

Bill  [atD.  F.).  You’ll  hear  from  me. 

Frank  [shaking  revolver).  And  you’ll  hear  from  this,  if  you  say 
another  word.  (Exit  Bill,  d.  f.  Frank  and  Jess  go  down  fl. 
George  slips  the  watch  into  a  pocket  of  Frank’s  coat  which  lies  on 
the  chair,  and  Exit  quietly,  D.  F. ) 

Frank.  Did  he  hurt  you  1 

Jess.  Nope.  Made  my  teeth  rattle  some.  R. 

Frank  [seated  R.).  You’re  a  strange  girl. 

Jess.  Why  ? 

Frank.  Are  you  really  afraid  of  anything  ? 

Jess.  Lots.  There’s  mice — and  spiders — and — dudes ! 

Frank.  Dudes  ? 

Jess.  Yes.  1  never  saw  one,  but  if  I  should.  I’d  be  afraid  to 
touch  him  for  fear  he’d  break. 

Chum,  [off  L.  I  E.).  Juniper!  Juniper! 

Toots  [off  L.  I  E.).  Cornin’  sah,  cornin’. 

Enter  Chummy,  l.  I  E, 

Chum.  Blaust  the  fellah,  anyhow  !  \Looks  off  L,  I  E, 

Jess.  For  goodness’ sake,  what  is  it  ? 

Frank.  It’s  a  dude. 

Jess  [rises).  Oh ! 

Frank.  Don’t  be  alarmed.  It’s  perfectly  gentle. 

Chum.  There  nevah  was  such  a — [sees  Frank.)  Well,  bah 
Jove  1 

Frank.  It’s  Chummy  Litewate  I  Where  did  you  drop  from? 

Chum.  From  the  woom  above.  Awfully  glad  to  see  you, 
[Shakes  hands.)  Be  careful  of  me  hand. !  You  have  a  gwip  like  a 
vise,  don’t  ye  know. 

Frank.  Excuse  me — I  forgot. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH, 


Chum.  Who’s  the  young  lady  ? 

Frank  [looks  Jess  who  nods).  Miss  Horton,  let  me  present  my 
friend  Mr.  Litewate  from  New  York. 

Chum.  Chawmed,  I’m  sure, 

Jess.  Me  too,  [Shakes  his  hand  vigorously. 

Chum.  Ya — ya — yaas.  Oh  say,  p-p-please  let  go,  don’t  ye 

know. 

Jess.  Pardon  me — did  I  hurt  you  ? 

Chum.  N-no — you  didn’t  hurt  me^  but  you  mashed  me  fingers, 
you  did  weally.  [Goes  up. 

Jess  [to  Frank).  There,  I  told  you!  [Goes  R.)  I  knew  I  could 
never,  never  touch  a  dude  without  breaking  it.  [Exit,  R.  i  e. 

Chum.  Moses  !  Who  is  the — aw — female  Samson  ? 

Frank.  Jessie  Horton,  the  landlord’s  niece;  the  best  and  bright¬ 
est  girl  in  the  hills  ;  wild  as  a  young  hawk,  but  true  as  steel  and 
pure  as  gold. 

Enter  Naggle,  D.  F. 

Nag.  [gloomily).  Howdy,  Frank. 

Frank.  Hello,  old  man.  You  look  blue.  What’s  the  trouble  ? 

Nag.  Another  hold-up. 

Frank.  When  ? 

Nag.  Last  night,  on  the  old  Divide  ;  mail  bags  robbed,  passen¬ 
gers  ditto,  horses  turned  loose  and  harness  cut  to  thunder. 

Enter  Matilda,  d.  f. 

Chum,  [aside).  Wobbers  !  Oh  Lord  ! 

Mat.  Robbers  !  Oh  !  Goodness,  gracious  sakes  alive  !  We’ll  all 
be  murdered  I  Save  me,  save  me!  [Throws  her  arms  around 
Chummy’s  neck.) 

Chum.  Yaas.  Do  save  her,  somebody.  I  cawn’t. 

Frank.  Don’t  be  alarmed,  Miss.  There  are  no  robbers  here. 

Mat.  I  am  so  glad  !  But  if — if  any  should  come,  you  wouldn’t 
iet  them  carry  me  off — now  would  you  ? 

Frank.  Certainly  not. 

Chum,  [aside).  If  he  knew  her  as  well  as  /do,  he  wouldn’t  say 
that. 

Mat.  I  am  so  afraid  of  robbers.  I  came  pretty  near  seeing  a 
burglar  once,  and  I  just  know  I  should  have  been  scared  to  death, 
if  ][  had. 

Chum,  [aside).  What  a  pity  she  didn’t  see  him  ! 

Nag.  Well,  miss,  as  long  as  I  run  this  hotel,  and  especially  as 
long  as  my  wife  is  in  it,  you’re  safe  enough. 

Mat.  Thank  you,  indeed.  [Goes  up.)  By  the  way,  is  my  room 
provided  with  electric  lights  ? 


I6 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


Nagf.  Electric  lights?  Well,  no.  We’re  just  out  of  electricity, 
but  we’re  got  some  blazing  good  tallow  candles. 

Mat.  Candles  !  It’s  a  relic  of  the  Dark  Ages.  How  do  people 
spend  their  evenings  here?  Is  there  a  Browning  Club  in  town? 

Nag.  I  allow  not,  Miss.  We’ve  got  a  ruther  frisky  poker  club, 
but  there  ain’t  no  ladies  belonging  to  it,  as  I  know  of.  Still,  if 
you’d  like  to  join — 

Mat.  Horrors  !  I’ll  go  to  my  room  and  ruminate  over  the  ter¬ 
rible  wilderness  that  I’ve  drifted  into.  [Exit,  D.  F. 

Chum.  Good  widdance.  \Goes  to  bar  and  lights  cigarette. 

Frank  [^to  Naggle).  Now  tell  me  about  that  hold-up.  Have 
you  any  idea  who  did  it? 

Nag.  Nary  a  one.  I  tell  you,  Frank,  if  this  here  thing  keeps 
up.  I’ll  resign. 

Frank.  I  may  be  dead  wrong,  but  I  believe  that  Gentleman 
George  and  Broncho  Bill  are  the  leaders  of  this  gang. 

Nag.  Any  proof? 

Frank.  No.  That’s  the  worst  of  it. 

Nag.  I  suppose  we  might  hang  ’em  on  general  principles,  seeing 
as  one  is  a  card  sharper  and  the  other  a  tough. 

Frank.  But  those  are  not  hanging  offenses. 

Nag.  Right  you  are,  Frank,  right  you  are.  Come  to  think  of  it, 
if  they  was  capital  crimes  why,  gambling  and  toughness  would 
stretch  the  necks  of  half  the  men  in  the  Gulch.  Besides,  we’ve 
got  to  do  everything  on  the  dead  level  now,  seeing’s  we’ve  got  a. 
new  Justice  of  the  Peace. 

Frank.  A  new  Justice,  eh  ?  Who  is  it? 

Nag.  O’Gooligan. 

Frank.  What — old  Sniffles*  side  partner? 

Nag.  He’s  the  bird. 

Frank.  But  he  knows  nothing  about  law. 

Nag.  ’Course  not,  and  that’s  why  the  boys  elected  him, 

Frank.  When  did  this  happen  ? 

Nag.  ’Bout  half  an  hour  ago,  down  at  Duffy’s  saloon.  O’Gool. 
igan  doesn’t  know  it  yet.  He’s  the  right  sort,  even  if  he  does 
work  for  old  Sniffles. 

Frank.  Sniffles  is  trying  to  put  down  the  liquor  traffic,  and 
O’Gooligan  is  helping  him  by  trying  to  drink  all  the  whiskey  in  the 
Gulch.  ! 

Chum.  Frank,  introduce  your  friend.  I’ve  spoken  to  him  iii  the 
way  of  business,  but  I  cawn’t  talk  to  him,  don’t  you  know,  juntil 
we’re  introduced. 

Frank.  Certainly.  Here,  Naggle,  shake  hands  with  Mr,  Lite* 
wate  whom  I  met  in  New  York  last  winter. 

Chum,  [to  Naggle).  Chawmed  to  know  you. 

Nag.  Same  here,  pard.  [Shakes  his  hand  vigorous^. 


N  I 

1 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH.  1/ 

Chum.  Oh — I — o-o-oh  !  {^Releases  hand.')  Gwate  Scott!  You’ve 
Cwushed  me  hand  too,  don’t  ye  know.  It’s  too  much. 

Nag.  That’s  all  right,  pard — here,  fills  glass  from  bottle  on  bar^ 
have  a  drink.  That’ll  take  the  kinks  out. 

Chum.  Excuse  me,  weally,  but  1  don’t  dare  wisk  it.  Me  niggah 
dwank  some  of  it  and  it  almost  killed  him,  don’t  ye  know. 

Enter  Toots,  l.  i  e. 

Toots.  Yes  sah  ;  dar’s  jes*  no  sorter  doubt  ’bout  dat.  Dat  ar 
ficker  jes’  done  burn*  a  hole  right  frew  me.  I  won’t  be  no  good 
in  polertics  no  mo.’ 

Frank.  Why  not? 

Toots.  Kase  I  can’t  hold  licker  wiv  er  hole  burn’  frew  me. 
No  use  bein’  er  polertician  ef  yo’  can’t  hold  licker — I  tole  yer. 

Chum.  We’ll  excuse  you.  Juniper.  Wun  up  to  my  woom  and 
see  if  everything  is  all  wight. 

Toots.  Yes  sah.  \Goes  L, 

Chum.  And — er — Juniper! 

Toots  {^pausing).  Yes,  sah. 

Chum.  Lay  out  my  pink  bawth  wobe  instead  of  the  sky  blue. 

Toots.  Yes,  sah.  [Exit,  L.  1  E. 

Frank.  How  did  you  happen  to  drift  in  here  ? 

Chum.  It  was  the  Guv’nor’s  doings.  He  said  twavel  would  do 
me  good,  don’t  ye  know.  And — ah — by  the  way,  I  have  a  lettah 
that  he  told  me  to  give  you. 

Frank  {takes  letter).  Excuse  me.  {Comes  down  a  little  and 
reads  aloud.  Naggle  and  Qumumy  converse.)  •*  Mr.  Frank 
Evarts  :  Dear  Sir.  The  bearer,  as  you  know,  is  my  son.  He  is  a 
dude  very  largely,  and  a  fool  considerably.  I  think  that  a  little 
rough  life  in  the  west  will  knock  the  fool  out  and  pound  a  little 
sense  into  him.  Please  keep  him  out  of  danger  and  tell  him  to  go 
in  when  it  rains.  Yours  truly  ” — {speaks)  Well,  well  ! 

Chum.  li)oes  the  Guv’nor  giveme  a  woast  ?  Because  he  laughed 
when  he  w’ote  the  lettah,  and  he  always  gives  me  the  dickens 
when  he  laughs,  don’t  you  know. 

Frank.  He  thinks  it  will  do  you  good  to  rough  it  a  little. 

Chum.  Oh,  yaas.  I  suppose  I  will  become  quite  tough.  I  have 
learned  how  to  play  pokah,  and  I  am  going  to  learn  how  to  smoke 
cigaws  and  sweah,  bah  Jove  I  am. 

Nag.  {aside).  The  thunderin’  fool  ! 

Frank.  You’d  better  let  the  cards  alone. 

Nag.  ’Specially  with  Gentleman  George. 

Chum.  But  I  always  play  with  gentlemen. 

Frank.  Then  keep  away  from  George,  for  he  would  beat  you 
out  of  your  eye  teeth, 

2 


l8 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


Nag.  He  ain’t  cut  any  yet,  {ToFrank,')  It’ll  do  the  dude  good 
to  git  his  leg  pulled.  \Saunters  off.  l.  I  E. 

Frank  [picks  up  coat  and  goes  L,.).  Well,  keep  your  eyes  open. 
We’ll  see  you  later.  [Exit,  l.  I  e. 

Chum.  Oh,  yaas — I’ll  keep  my  eyes  open  except  when  I’m 
asleep,  don’t  ye  know. 

Enter  Naggle,  l.  I  E. 

Nag.  Well,  is  everything  all  right,  Mr.  Litewate? 

Chum.  Oh,  yaas.  It’s  dweadful  wough,  but  I  suppose  I’ll  get 
used  to  that  aftah  a  while. 

Nag.  Rough?  Look  here,  stranger.  I’ve  got  the  toniest  hotel 
on  the  slope — real  beds,  table  cloths,  wash  basins,  towels  and 
soap !  I  reckon  you  aint  posted  much  on  hotels. 

Chum.  Oh,  I — ah — meant  no  offense,  don’t  you  know,  weally. 

Enter  One  Lung,  r.  I  E. 

One  L.  Ole  Ikey  eatee,  eatee,  eatee.  Bimeby  sizz !  [points  up) 
he  bustee. 

Nag.  Has  that  Sheeney  been  eating  all  this  time  ? 

O'ne  L.  You  betee.  Eatee,  stuffee,  callee  foh  mo’  glub  allee 
time. 

Nag.  I’ll  see  about  that.  [Goes  R.)  One  Lung  ! 

One  L.  [jumps).  Yessee. 

Nag.  Go  to  work,  or  I’ll  skin  you  alive.  [Exit,  R,  l  E, 

One  L.  No  skinee  Chinaman,  Chummy.)  Hello  !  Dudee. 

Chinaman  lickee  him  foh  cent.  [Stops  Chummy  on  the  back.) 
Hello,  dudee  ! 

Chum.  Eh  ?  Look  heah — I  nevah  allow  liberties  like  that,  you 
wetched  cweature. 

,  One  L.  Shutee  up  !  Wantee  fight  ?  Me  punchee  head. 

[“  Squares  off”  awkwardly. 

Chum.  Get  out,  you  yellow  beggah. 

One  L.  Whatee?  [Dances  about.)  Callee  names?  Come  on, 
me  putee  head  on  you.  [Rushes  at  Chummy. 

Chum,  [knocks  him  down).  Take  that,  bah  Jove  ! 

One  L.  Oh  !  [Rises,  holding  jaw.)  Me  gettee  fooled.  Dudee 
hittee  all  heap  same  like  mulee  kick.  Jaw  all  bustee.  [Goes  R. 

Chum.  I  say — don’t  you  want  to  fight  ? 

One  L.  Not  muchee.  You  knockee  Chinaman’s  head  off.  Me 
velly  sick.  Need  buggee  juice.  [Starts  up, 

Nag.  [off  R.  I  E.)  One  Lung  ! 

One  L.  [disgusted).  Oh  I  Gettee  left — head  punchee — jaw 
bustee — blastee  luck  I  '  [Exit,  r.  l  e. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH.  19 

Chum.  Yaas,  {Looks  after  him.')  I’m  weally  quite  a  sluggah 
aftah  all,  bah  Jove  I  am. 

Enter  George  and  Bill,  d.  f. 

Bill.  Thar’s  yer  bird — a  reg’lar  jay,  ain’t  he  now? 

Geo.  Easy,  Bill.  Treat  him  politely,  {to  Chummy.)  How  do 
you  do,  sir  ? 

Chum.  Aw — beg  pawdon  don’t  ye  know.  Whom  have  I  the— 
aw — 

Geo.  My  name  is  Dixon,  and  this  is  my  friend  Broncho  Bill— 
the  famous  horseman.  You  are  Mr.  Litewate? 

Chum.  Yaas — but  how  did  you  know  ? 

Geo.  I  have  heard  of  you  often  as  one  of  the  leaders  of  New 
York  society. 

Chum,  {pleased).  Yaas? 

Geo.  And  as  I  heard  you  were  coming  here,  I  guessed  at  once 
who  you  were. 

Bill.  An’  ther  minnit  I  seen  you  I  knowed  to  once  that  you’re  a 
sportin’  gent. 

Chum.  Oh,  yaas,  I  like  sport.  Is  there  anything  lively  going 
on  heah  ? 

Geo.  Very  little  except  when  some  of  the  boys  get  warmed  up 
Ml  a  game  of  cards. 

Chum.  Oh,  I  play  cards  don’t  ye  know — especially  pokah. 

Geo.  Indeed  ? 

Bill.  I  knowed  he  was  a  sport. 

Chum.  Do  you  play  pokah  ? 

Geo.  Very  little  ;  I  am  not  posted  on  the  game,  and— 

Bill  {aside).  Oh  lord  I  That  gives  me  a  twist ! 

Geo.  And,  besides,  I  think  that  gambling  is  wrong. 

Chum.  But,  weally,  there  is  no  harm  in  a  game  of  pokah — I  as« 
sure  you  there  isn’t. 

Bill.  He’s  right  thar. 

Chum.  If  you’re  not  engaged,  we  might  have  a  quiet  little  game. 

Geo.  All  right — but  I’m  afraid  you  are  too  sharp  for  me. 

Chum,  {goes  to  table  R.).  On  me  word  of  honah.  I’ll  not  take 
any  advawntage  of  you.  \They  sit — George  at  L.  of  table. 

Geo.  Thank  you,  sir.  Cut  for  deal?  (  They  cut.)  You  have  it 
•—go  ahead.  [Chummy  shuffles  and  deals. 

Chum.  Shall  we  make  it  a  fiver  to  come  in  ? 

Geo.  As  you  please.  \They  play. 

Enter  Naggle,  L.  I  E. 

Nag.  Hello — the  sheep-shearin*  has  begun* 

Bill.  Howdy,  Sheriff. 


20 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


Nag.  Howdy. 

Bill.  Hev  a  game  o’  seven-up  fer  the  drinks  ? 

Nag.  ril  go  you  one.  {They  sit  at  table,  L, 

Bill  {^cutting for  deal).  Your  deal. 

Nag.  {dealing).  I  hear  as  how  they’ve  ketched  the  fellers  who 
held  up  the  stage  last  night. 

Geo.  [turning  quickly  in  seat).  The  deuce  they  have — I  mean  I 
hope  they’ll  hang  the  fellows.  Who  are  they  ? 

Nag.  [carelessly).  Dunno.  Heard  they  got  nabbed  in  the  vaU 
ley.  It’s  none  of  my  affair. 

Chum.  It’s  youah  say. 

Geo.  Oh  yes — let  me  see — 


Enter  Sniffles  and  O’Gooligan,  d.  F. 

Snif.  Gambling !  Gambling  !  Beelzebub  is  loose ! 

O’G.  [sees  bottle  on  bar).  No,  begorry,  he’s  thare  bottled  up— 
am’ — an’  Oi  think  Oi  ought  to  let  him  out.  [Starts  for  bar. 

Snif.  Mr.  O’Gooligan  !  {Looks  straight  ahead. 

O’G.  [aside).  Bad  cess  to  him  !  [Aloud.)  Yis,  sor. 

Snif.  Give  me  some  tracts. 

O’G.  Yis,  sor.  [Of ens  valise.)  What  do  yez  want  ? 

Snif.  I  want  tracts  on  the  Evils  of  Gambling,  Rum,  Tobacco, 
Bad  Language,  Evil  Associates — 

O’G.  Mould  on,  hould  on — give  me  toime.  [Takes  tracts 
from  valise.)  “Rum  an’  Tobaccy  ;  ”  “  Avils  av  Gamblin’  ; 

“  Bad  Language  ” — thare  ye  air.  {Gives  tracts  to  Sniffles. 

Chum.  I  waise  you  ten. 

Snif.  Degenerate  mortals,  have  a  tract.  ( Throws  tracts  on 
table  R.,  and  crosses  to  table  l.)  And  you,  more  degenerate  mor¬ 
tals,  have  another  tract.  {Same  business. 

Bill.  Go  to  blazes,  you  ole  chump  ! 

Snif.  The  voice  of  the  wicked  is  heard  in  the  land. 

Bill.  And  the  toe  of  the  wicked  will  be  felt  unless  you  clear 
out.  {Resumes  flay. 

Chum.  Twacts  ?  Is  he  one  of  the  Salvation  Army  ? 

Snif,  No,  young  man,  I  am  but  a  humble  worker  striving  to 
put  down  King  Alcohol. 

O’G.  [at  bar).  An’  Oi’m  another  who  is  strivin’  to  put  him 
down,  bedad.  [Drinks.)  Faith,  Oi  loike  to  stop  at  a  hotel  loike 
this,  whare  the  landlord  laves  the  liquor  on  the  bar. 

Geo.  What  have  you  got  ? 

Chum.  A  flush. 

Geo.  No  good — Jacks  full.  {Pulls  in  stakes  and  deals. 

Q’G.  An’  Oi’ll  be  full  too,  av  they  lave  me  alon^. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH, 


21 


Snif,  Mr,  O’Gooligan,  we’re  wasting  time  here.  Let  us  go 
hence,  where  my  efforts  will  be  appreciated.  Come  ! 

[Exit,  D.  F. 

O’G.  Faith,  now,  Oi  dunno.  The  ould  crank  pays  me  well  to 
carry  his  stuff  around,  but  me  darlin’  (/o  bottle)^  I  hate  to  lave  ye 
here  to  corrupt  men’s  moinds.  [Looks  around  and  sees  that 
he  is  unnoticed.^  Oi’ll  take  ye  along  wid  me,  an’  remove  wan 
timptation  from  sufferin’  humanity.  ( Takes  a  dfbik  quickly,  then 
j)laces  bottle  under  coat,  picks  up  valise  and  staggers  toward  Ti.  F.) 
Whoop  !  Hould  the  dure  stiddy  for  me  somebody — who-o-op  ! 

[Exit,  D.  F. 

Chum.  I’m  having  blawsted  bad  luck,  don’t  ye  know. 

Geo.  Oh,  you’ll  rake  in  a  jack  pot  directly. 

Bill.  George  is  having  a  soft  snap  thar. 

Nag.  I  suppose  so.  It’s  your  deal. 

Geo.  I  say,  Naggle,  bring  me  a  cigar.  {To  Chummy.  )  Smoke  ? 

Chum.  Ah — er — -yaas,  oh  yaas  ! 

Nag.  [brings  cigars).  Here  you  are — clear  Havanas. 

Chum,  [takes  cigar).  I  suppose  I’m  taking  me  life  in  me  hands. 

Geo.  [lights  cigar).  It’s  your  deal. 

Chum,  Yaas.  \Deals, 


Enter  Frank,  d.  F. 

Frank.  So — he  has  fallen  into  that  fellow’s  clutches  already, 

[Comes  down  R.,  unseen  by  the  others. 

Geo.  I’ll  go  you  fifty  better. 

Chum.  Bah  Jove  !  I’ll  waise  you  a  hundred  ! 

Geo.  Five  hundred  better. 

Chum.  Yaas?  Well  then  I’ll  waise  you - - 

Frank.  O,  no  you  wont. 

Geo.  [savagely).  What  do  you  mean  ? 

Frank  [to  Chummy).  I  warned  you  once,  my  friend,  against 
playing  with  this  thieving  card  sharper  ! 

[Dashes  cards  into  George’s  face. 

Geo.  [rising  quickly  and  reaching  for  revolver).  Curse  you  ! 

Frank  [avns  revolver).  Hands  up!  I  hold  a  trump  card! 
(George  raises  hands.  At  this  instant  ]^ss  and  Matilda  enter 
D.  F.  Matilda  yells  “Murder!  Save  me!”  and  throws  her 
arms  around  Naggle.  Bill  meanwhile  draws  a  knife  and  •'usJItei 
at  Frank.) 

Jess  [stops  Bill  with  revolver).  And  I  hold  another  I 


QUICK  CURTAIN 


72 


THE  GOLD  EX  GULCH. 


ACT  II. 

Scene  — A  rocky  pass  in  3th  y^rooves.  Mountain  scenery  on  flat. 

Set  rocks  R.  u.  E.  a7id  L.  u.  E.  Tree  stump  R.  front.  Rocky 

bank  L.  front.  IVvigs^  trees  and  rocks.  Sky  borders. 

Enter  O’OooLiGAN  and  Toots,  L.  u.  e.,  hearing  foie  across  shout-. 

ders,  on  which  valise  is  slung. 

Tcx)ts/  I  say,  boss,  whar  de  debbil  am  we  gittin’  to,  nohow  ? 

O’G.  Faith,  Oi  dunno.  They  tould  me  to  folly  me  nose  an' 
bedad  Oi’ve  kipt  it  in  plain  soight  all  the  toime. 

Toots.  Well,  1  moves  dat  dis  yar  percession  took  a  rest. 

[  Throws  off  fole^  letting  valise  drof. 

O’G.  Hould  on,  nagur !  [Goes  to  valise.')  Ye  black  imp  o' 
Satan  ! 

Toots  [shaking fist).  Who  yo’  callin’  niggah  ? 

O’G.  [kneeling  and  opening  valise).  Hould  yer  tongue. 

Toots.  Don’  yo’  sass  me!  [Dancing  about.)  I’ll  broke  yo* 
head,  I  will.  I’ll  done  gib  yo’  fo’  weeks  fit  ob  sickness  I  Oh* 
Ge- — 

O’G.  [looking  ^ip  calmly).  Nagur!  [Shaking finger,  warningly.) 
In  this  valise — among  the  thracts — thare  is  a  bottle  o’  the  rale 
ould  stuff.  Now,  av  that  bottle  is  bruck — bruck  moind  ye- — Oi’m 
going  to  give  ye  a  thrashin’  that  will  last  ye  as  long  as  ye  live  an’ 
fer  some  toime  afther. 

Toots.  Wha — wha  yo’  say?  Whiskey  in  dat  ar’  ole  grip  ?  Fo’ 
de  Ian’  sake,  why  din’  yo’  tole  me  afore  ?  Ef  I’d  a  known  dat, 
I'd  a  let  ’er  down  jes’  as  easy  as  er  fedder. 

O’G.  [searching  valise).  Moind  what  Oi  tould  ye.  Av  it’s — 
[produces  bottle)  Hooray  !  Glory  !  It’s  all  roight.  Ah  me  jewel  [to 
bottle),  the  thracts  were  a  cushion  for  ye.  [Drinks.)  It’s  mate 
an’  drink  both  ye  air. 

Toots.  Hey  dar !  Duz  yo’  want  me  to  choke  ter  def  an’  fall 
down  dead  standin’  up? 

O’G.  Wait  yer  turn  nagur.  [Drinks.)  That  makes  a  man 
brave. 

Toocs.  ’Cose  it  duz  ;  an’ — an’  I  wanter  be  brave  too,  kase  dar 
may  be  Injins  eroun’  heah. 

O’G.  Injuns!  [Runs  down  to  R.  f?'u7it,  kneels  attd  drinks.) 
Injuns  !  [Drinks.)  Oh,  Oi’m  kilt,  Oi’m  kilt  entoirely. 

loots  [with  contempt).  Fo’  de  Ian’  sake!  Whut  yo’ skeerd  at, 
nohow  ?  I  din’  say  dar  wus  Injuns  hyar. 

O’G.  Av  coorse  not.  [Rises  tipsily.)  Oi — ic — Oi  wasn’t 
froightened.  Bedad,  Oi — ic — Oi  was  only  foolin’.  [Gives  bottle,) 
Hare,  nagur  Oi  belave  ye’re  scared.  Take  some. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


n 


Toots.  Har’s  my  regards.  \DrinJ:s. 

O’G.  What  an  openin’ — ic — what  an  openin’  fer  a  liquor  store. 
Toots.  Look  heah,  Irish,  don’  yo’  be  salubrious,  kase  [cirbiks) 
lease  I’se  dang’ us  I  is.  \^Drinks. 

O’G.  Hould  on  now,  ye  black  son  o’  Ham — ye’ve — ic — ye’ve 
had  enough. 

Toots.  Yo’  go  to  de  debbil !  \Drinks. 

O’G.  Phwat!  Jumps  up  and  slaps  stage  with  hajut)  Come 
on!  [Pulls  up  sleeves.)  Come  on,  ye  white-livered  black-faced 
omadhaun!  (Toots  drinks.)  Come  on  till  1  wipe  ye  aff  the  face 
o’  the  earth.  [Dances  about. 

Toots.  Go  ’way — ic — go  ’way  white  trash.  [Drinks. 

O’G.  Trash  is  it  ?  [Kicks  Toots.)  Take  that  now. 

Toots  [cal?nly).  Ise  been  insulted.  Ise  shore  Ise  been  in¬ 
sulted.  Ef  I  had  my  razzer  heah  I’d  cut  ’im. 

O’G.  [kicks  Toots  again).  Thare  1  Will  yez  foight  now  ? 
Toots.  Yas,  sail  1  [Goes  R.  and  places  bottle  on  stump.)  See  me 
par’lize  dis  foreign  impo’tation. 

O’G.  Oi’ll  do  him  in  wan  round  ! 

[  They  clinch  and,  yelling,  work  to,  L.  front. 

Enter  Magnus,  r.  u.  e.  ;  he  runs  down,  gets  bottle,  and  goes  up  R.  a 
little.  Drinks.  O’Gooligan  and  Toots  separate,  and  stand 
apart,  L. 

Toots.  Oh,  my  nose  ! 

O’G.  Oh,  me  eye  ! 

Mag.  Pale  face  fight  ;  Injun  drink.  [Drinks, 

Toots  [frightened).  Who — who — who’s  dat? 

O’G.  What’s  what? 

Toots.  I  frot  I  heerd  suffin. 

O’G.  Yer  mistaken.  Nagur,  .I’m  satisfoied  ye  kin  foight. 
Thare’s  me  hand. 

Toots.  Yes  sah.  [Shakes  hands.)  You’se  anudder.  We’se  de 
champions,  ain’t  we  ?  We  ain’t  skeerd  o’  nuffin,  is  we  ? 

O’G.  Divil  a  bit. 

Toots  [shakes  head).  I’d  like  to  see  anyfing  scar’  me. 

O’G.  Let’s  have  another  diink. 

Toots.  Dat’s  me  I 

[  They  lock  arms  and  turn  R. ,  seeing  Magnus  for  the  first  time. 
Mag.  How  I 

O’G.  Injuns!  Oh!  [Runs  to  front.)  Oi’m  killed,  Oi’m  killed! 
Toots  [same  business).  So’m  I,  so’m  I  ! 

[Gets  behind  O’Gooligan. 

Mag.  Ugh  !  Heap  fools  !  Wah  ! 

Toots.  Oh  please,  mistah  Injun,  spar’  our  lives — specially  mine. 
Ise  too  young  to  die,  I  is. 


24 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


0*G.  Kill  the  nagur  av  ye  want  to',  but  don’t  kill  me  ;  Oi’m  too 
good  luckin’  to  die. 

Toots.  So’m  I.  Anybody  kin  see  dat. 

Mag.  Wah  !  {Drinks,)  Magnus,  big  Injun. 

O’G.  Nagur !  , 

Toots.  Huh  ? 

O’G.  Luk  at  him  puttin’  down  me  whiskey.  It  makes  me  blood 
bile. 

Toots.  Mine  too.  Ise  biled  ovah. 

O’G.  Let’s  not  endure  it.  Oi  don’t  belave  the  Injun’s  very 
dangerous  an’,  besides,  it’s  two  to  wan  anyhow.  Let’s  do  him  up. 

Toots.  Dat’s  me.  Come  on.  {They  join  arms  and  swagger 
toward  Magnus.)  Lookheah,yo’  no  ’count  Injun - - 

O’G.  Ye  dirthy  rid  haythen - 

Mag.  Ugh  !  \Draws  knife. 

O’G.  {runs  hack  to  l.  front').  Murtherin’  Moses,  Oi’ve  done  it 
now ! 

Toots  {kneeling  before  Magnus).  Oh  please,  good,  brave  Mr. 
Injun,  I  didn’t  mean  nuffin,  ’deed  I  didn’t. 

Enter  Frank,  l.  u.  e.,  followed  by  Ikey  Sniffles,  who  car^ 
ries  bundles  of  tracts.  Magnus  drinks.  Ikey  remains  at  back. 

Toots.  Dat’s  right,  Mr.  Injun — drink  all  yo’  wants,  an’  I’ll  gib 
yo’  er  gallon  when — [Mag'NVS  fushes  him  with  foot  and  he  falls, 
facing  audience.)  O — o — oh!  Wow!  (Frank  wrenches  bottle 
from  Magnus,  and  hurls  him  r.) 

Frank  {kicks  Tooxs).  Get  up  ! 

Toots.  Wow  !  Oh  !  Ise  killed,  I  know  Ise  killed ! 

Frank.  Get  up.  {Jerks  Toots  to  his  feet.)  So  you  have  been 
giving  that  Indian  whiskey,  have  you  ? 

Toots.  No  sah  !  I  deny  de  lucidation.  When  in  de  cose  ob 
human  events  a  gemman  like  me,  sah,  wants  ter  took  a  drink  sah, 
an’  a  great,  big  red  debbil  comes  ’round  wiv  knives  an’  swordses 
an’  pistiles  an’  gunses,  an’  says  he’ll  blow  me  to  glory  hallelujah 
kingdom  come  an’  nabs  de  whiskey,  taint  my  fault. 

Frank.  All  right,  then  ;  now  clear  out. 

\Goes  up  and  converses  with  Ikey. 

O’G.  Nagur! 

Toots.  Huh? 

O’G.  Let’s  go  back  to  the  hotel. 

Toots.  Dat’s  me.  We’ll  go  back  to  de  hotel  an’  we’ll  gfit 
drunker’n  a  biled  owl — den  two  biled  owls.  Yes  sah. 

{Follows  O’Gooligan  off,  L.  I  E. 

Snif.  Behold  the  aboriginal  red  man  in  all  his  glory.  Here 
is  virgin  soil  to  work  upon.  Verily,  I  will  give  him  a  tract.  Noble 
child  of  the  wilderness - 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


25 


Mag.  Wah !  Ugh ! 

Snif.  {^aside).  His  language  is  strange,  and  his  breath  unpleasant. 
Ahem !  Unsophisticated  denizen  of  the  forest - 

Mag.  Pale  face  big  talk — heap  big  liar! 

Snif.  Unregenerate  heathen — have  a  tract.  {Gives  several.) 
Read,  ponder,  digest  and  consider,  and  then,  oh  noble  remnant  01 
2.mighty  race,  you  will  say - 

Mag.  Ugh  !  Pale  face  big  fool !  Wah ! 

yriirows  tracts  in  Sniffle’s  face  and  exit  r.  u .  e. 

Snif.  Great  Ebeneezer  I  If  I  thought  nobody  would  hear  me. 
I'd  say  damn  !  \Grabs  valise  and  exit  quickly ^  R. 

Enter  George,  l.  u.  e.,  disguised. 

Geo.  {speaks  roughly).  Say,  is  your  name  Evarts? 

Frank.  Yes.  Who  are  you? 

Geo.  I’m  Jenkins,  ther  new  driver  on  the  north  line. 

Frank.  Well,  what  do  you  want? 

Geo.  I  don’t  want  nuthin’.  But  thar’s  a  military  swell  down  at 
ther  Golden  Gulch  axin’  fer  ye,  an’sayin’  it’s  mighty  important. 
So  as  I  war  takin’  ther  short  cut  I  thought  I’d  tell  ye.  {Crosses  R.) 
That’s  all.  Good  day. 

Frank.  Much  obliged.  I’m  sure. 

Geo.  Yer  welcome.  {Aside,  natural  voice,)  Now,  curse  him,  it’s 
my  turn.  [Exit,  R.  U.  E. 

Frank.  Sorry  for  it,  Ikey,  but  I  must  go  back. 

Ikey.  Veil,  beesness  ish  beesness.  I  vish  you  might  go,  for  I 
hates  to  travel  dese  hills  alone.  Und  I  always  feel  safe  ven  you 
are  along. 

Frank.  Got  a  gun,  haven’t  you  ? 

Ikey.  Yesh.  [Shows  old  style  pistol. 

Frank  {laughing).  That  thing?  You  might  scare  a  man  with 
it,  but  that  would  be  all.  Here,  take  mine. 

Ikey  {taking  revolver).  But  you  ? 

Frank.  I  have  another  at  the  hotel. 

Ikey.  Mooch  obliged,  Mr.  Evarts. 

Frank  {going  i..).  Keep  your  eyes  open,  Ikey,  and  if  you  have 
to  shoot,  be  quick  about  it.  [Exit,  L.  u.  E. 

Ikey.  Yesh.  You  bet  I  keeps  mine  eyes  open.  Shiminy 
gracious  !  I  feel  all  uf  a  shiver.  Dot  man  who  come  here  mit  a 
message  looked  pad.  Veil,  uf  I  have  to  shoot,  I  shoot.  So  now 
I  makes  a  start.  [Turns  towards  R.  I  e. 

Enter  George  and  Bill  quickly,  R.  U.  E. 

Geo.  Now  then  I  ( Throws  left  arm  around  Ikey’s  neck  and  presses 
pistol  to  kis  head  with  right  hand.)  Not  a  sound  t  Here,  Bill,  take 


26 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


his  pack.  (Bill  takes  bundle  and  runs  off  R.  u.  E.)  Now  then  ! 
leases  Ikey.)  Your  money — fork  it  over  lively. 

[Ikey  springs  upon  George  and  hurls  him  to  front.  He  then 
draws  revolver  quickly  and fires,  but  misses.  At  the  same  moment 
Bill  rushes  cm  and  knocks  Ikey  down  with  the  butt  end  of  his  re^ 
volver. 

Bill.  Did  he  wing  you  ?  [George  throws  off  mask. 

Geo.  No,  curse  him,  but  it  was  a  close  call.  [Ticks  uf  revolver 
which  Ikey  dropped.')  Hello  !  Evarts’  gun,  by  all  that’s  lucky  ! 
(Ikey  staggers  to  his  feet. )  Catch  hold.  We’ll  go  through  him  first, 
and  then  throw  him  over  the  cliff.  Lively  now. 

[They  drag  Ikey  off,  R.  U.  E. 

Enter  One  Lung  and  Chummy,  l.  u.  e. 

One  L.  Lookee  !  [Points  R.  u.  E.)  One  man  chockee  full.  Two 
men  cally  him  off.  Gottee  big  jag  on. 

Chum.  Yaas.  One  of  the  fellahs  looks  like  the  fellah  who  twied 
to  wob  me  at  pokah  last  night,  don’t  ye  know. 

One  L.  Me  gettee  'long  home. 

Chum.  Yaas — but  I  haven’t  seen  anything  of  that  wed  skin,  don’t 
ye  know.  You  said  I  would  meet  him  along  heah.  Mr.  Evarts 
said  he  was  a  perfectly  harmless  specimen,  and  I  want  to  see  how 
he  compares  with  Coopah’s  novels. 

[  Takes  book  from  pocket,  lights  cigarette  and  reads. 
One  L.  Alice  lite.  You  waitee — he  come  bimeby,  me  skippee 
out.  [Exit,  L.  u.  E.,  singing  as  in  Act  I. 

Chum.  This  is  a  chawming  description  of  the  noble  wed  man. 
[Comes  down.)  So  bwave — so  honest.  Yaas.  {Reads.)  “The 
chief’s  dwess  was  wich  and  elegant.  His  mannah  was  dignified 
and  gwaceful,  and  he  seemed  devoid  of  all  petty  vices.”  Yaas. 
How  gwand — oh  murdah  !  (Old  Magnus  has  entered  quietly  r.  2 
E.,  and  calmly  takes  cigarette  from  Chummy’s  lips,  placing  it  in  his 
own  mouth.)  What  an  offensive  person! 

Mag.  Ugh  !  [Smokes. 

Chum.  What’s  he  gwunting  about  ? 

Mag.  Ugh  !  Pale  face  hat. 

[Takes  Chummy’s  hat from  his  head,  and  places  it  on  his  own. 
Chum.  Bah  Jove  I  He’s  got  gall  I 
Mag.  Pale  face  coat — wah  ! 

Chum.  Heah — I  cawn’t  allow  that,  weally. 

Mag.  Ugh  !  [Draws  knife.)  Give  Injun  coat! 

Chum,  [frightened).  Oh,  yaas — yaas  I  Take  it,  take  it  I 
Mag.  [throws  off  blanket,  puts  on  coat  and  offers  blanket  to  Chum* 
my).  Pale  face  take  it. 

Chum.  Get  away  1  It  has  a  bad  odah. 


t 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


27 


Mag.  Wall !  [  Raises  knife. 

Chum.  Oh — Yaas!  yPuis  on  blanket. 

Mag.  [picks  up  his  own  hat — a  battered  white  ‘  ‘  plug '  ’ ).  Hat ! 

Chum.  Eh  ? 

Mag.  Take  Injun’s  hat. 

Chum.  I  cawn’t  do  it,  ye  know  I - 

Mag.  Ugh!  Yfams  hat  down  upon  Cwumy's  head. 

Chum.  I  wondah  if  I  shall  evah  sec  home  again. 

Mag.  Pale  face  git  !  {Points  L.  2  E, 

Chum.  Oh,  deah — I’m  wuined  foh  life  !  [Exit,  L.  2  E. 

Mag.  Injun  heap  big  dude  !  [Struts  down  and  exit  R.  2  E. 

Enter  George  and  Bill,  r.  u.  e. 

Geo.  Come  on,  the  coast  is  clear. 

Bill.  What’s  ther  next  move  ? 

Geo.  Give  me  the  pack.  (  Takes  it.)  I’ve  left  in  this  a  lot  of  cheap 
jewelry.  Place  it  behind  the  rocks  yonder.  [Points  R.  u.  e. 

Bill.  All  right,  pard.  [Places pack.)  Thar.  Now  what? 

Geo.  Evarts  will  be  sure  to  return  when  he  discovers  that  my 
message  was  false.  We  will  keep  under  cover  until  he  arrives  and 
then  accuse  him  of  robbing  and  killing  the  Jew. 

Bill.  That’s  ther  scheme — an’  ther  cuss  ’ll  swing  fur  it,  too. 

Geo.  Someone  is  coming.  ’Sh  !  This  way.  [Exeunt,  L.  i  E. 

Enter  Matilda,  r.  u.  e. 

Mat.  What  a  lovely  day  this  is  for  a  stroll  through  this  romantic 
region.  Ah,  me  !  They  said  that  I  would  be  sure  to  meet  my  af¬ 
finity  out  here,  but  I  haven’t  seen  him  yet.  All  the  men  seem  to 
dawdle  around  that  little  chit  of  a  Horton  girl,  though  what  on 
earth  they  can  see  in  her  to  admire  is  more  than  I  can  imagine. 
[Looks  off,  R.  u.  E.)  As  sure  as  I  live,  she’s  coming  down  yonder 
with  the  landlord’s  wife. 

Enter  M AGNUS  R.  2  E.,  unseen  by  Matilda,  and  sits  on  stump. 

Mat.  For  a  wonder,  no  men  are  tagging  after  her.  It’s  perfectly 
outrageous,  the  way  that  she  tries  to  fascinate  the  men.  I’m  sure 
that  I  never  could  be  so  bold  and  forward.  No  indeed.  [Sees 
Magnus.)  Why,  if  there  isn’t  that  delightful  Mr.  Litewate.  Aliem! 
Ahem  !  He  doesn’t  hear  me.  Well,  at  all  events  I’m  not  going 
to  throw  myself  at  his  head.  {^Sits  on  left  side  of  bajik.)  Ahem! 
[Turns  away.)  I  won’t  let  him  know  that  I’ve  seen  him. 

Mag.  [looks  around).  Huh!  Pale  face.  Much  old.  All  same 
time,  Injun  got  good  clothes.  Make  heap  mash !  [Crosses  and  sits 


28 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


beside  her;  she  turns  away.  ^  Comic  business,  ad,  lib.  At  last  he 
puts  his  arm  around  her ;  she  lays  her  head  upon  his  shoulder  ^  after 
a  pause  she  sees  who  it  is,  screams,  slaps  his  face,  knocking  him  over 
backward,  and  runs  off  l.  i  e.] 

Wiag.  (rising).  Ugh  i  Pale  face  fist  heap  like  rock  I 

[Exit,  R.  1  B. 

Enter  Jess  and  Mrs.  Haggle,  r.  u.  e, 

Jess.  Hurry  up,  aunt. 

Mrs.  N.  Hurry  up  indeed!  [Comes  down  R.)  Do  you  think  I’m  a 
locomotive  injine?  [Sits  on  stump.)  Oh,  dear!  I’ve  walked  my 
head  off,  trying  to  keep  up  with  you,  you  young  whirlwind.  What 
a  fool  I  was  to  come  tramping  around  over  these  mountains  when 
there  was  so  much  to  do  at  home.  There’s  bread  to  bake  and  pies  to 
make  and  berries  to  can  and — there  !  (Turns  around.)  I  knew  it,  1 
knew  it!  I  knew  it  I 

Jess.  What  ? 

Mrs.  N.  I  left  a  pan  of  cookies  in  the  oven  and  every  blessed  one 
will  be  burned  to  a  crisp  just  as  sure  as  I’m  sitting  here  and  the  cat 
will  be  into  the  cream  and  I’m  going  right  straight  home.  [Rises.) 
That’s  what  I  am  this  minute. 

Jess  [forcing  her  to  resume  seat).  No,  you  are  not.  I’ve  got  you 
out  of  that  stuffy  old  hotel  for  once,  and  I  want  you  to  stay  out 
long  enough  to  get  a  mouthful  of  fresh  air. 

Mrs.  N.  Can’t  do  it,  Jess.  [Rises  and  goes  uf  L.)  I  must  go. 
My  Peter  will  think  that  I’ve  tumbled  over  the  cliff  and  he’ll  have 
a  conniption  fit  sure  as  you’re  born.  You  needn’t  hurry,  though. 
Bless  my  soul,  I  expect  I’ll  find  everything  at  sixes  and  sevens 
when  I  get  back !  [Exit,  L.  u.  e. 

Jess  [thoughtfully),  I  wonder  if  I  shall  have  as  much  to  worry 
me  when  I  get  married?  [Sits  on  bank.)  No — for  Mrs.  Frank 
Evarts  will  never,  never,  never  a  landlord’s  wife.  It’s  awful! 
To  be  doomed  all  one’s  life  to  wrestle  with  pots  and  pans  and  ket¬ 
tles  ;  with  bread  that  won’t  rise  and  boarders  that  won’t  pay.  Poor 
aunt!  She  thinks  I’m  smitten  with  that  lovely  New  York  dude. 
As  if  I  could  ever  marry  a  thing  like  that.  My  !  But  he  w  a  beauty, 
and  no  mistake.  If  I  had  him  I’d  put  him  in  a  glass  case  and 
throw  sugax  at  him.  \Introduce  song. 

Enter  Chummy,  l.  2  e. 

Chum,  [looking off  L.).  I’ve  escaped  from  that  howid,  dweadful 
wedskin.  But  how  am  I  evah,  evah  going  to  get  back  to  the  hotel? 
I’ll  be  disgwaced  foh  life  if  I’m  seen  in  this  get  up.  Jess.) 
Hello,  there’s  that  Samson  young  woman.  Miss,  I—  — 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


29 


Jess  [sees  him),  Ha,  ha,  ha!' 

Chum.  That’s  wight.  Laugh  at  me  twouble. 

Jess.  Trouble  ?  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  Say,  been  swapping  clothes? 
Chum.  No  I  haven’t  been  swapping  clothes. 

Jess.  No?  Then  where  on  earth  did  you  get  that  rig? 

Chum.  I’ve  been  wobbed. 

Jess.  Been  what? 

Chum.  Wobbed.  A  gwate  big  cwoud  of  diriy,  beastly, 
wretched  wedskins  waylaid  me,  don’t  you  know,  and  took  me 
clothes  away. 

Jess.  Oh,  what  a  shame  ! 

Chum.  It’s  an  outwage — that’s  what  it  is. 

Jess.  How  many  were  there  ? 

Chum.  Oh,  a  whole  army  of  them — thirty  or  forty  at  the  vewj 
least,  all  loaded  up  with  guns  and — er — bad  whiskey. 

Jess.  It’s  a  wonder  that  you  escaped  alive. 

Chum.  Isn’t  it?  And  it  was  only  by  exercising  the  utmost  per¬ 
sonal  bwavery  that  I  did,  don’t  you  know. 

Jess.  Did  you  fight  the  whole  crowd  ? 

Chum.  Well — er — I  cawn’t  say  that  I  exactly  fowght  them, 
don’t  you  know,  but  I  looked  weal  cwoss,  and  there’s  no  telling 
what  I  might  have  done. 

Jess.  Say,  you  ought  to  be  in  the  army.  They  need  a  few  more 
brave  men  like  you  to  sweep  these  Injuns  off  the  face  of  the 
earth. 

Chum.  Yaas,  I  dare  say  you’re  wight. 

Jess.  Then  you’ll  enlist  ? 

Chum.  Yaas — er — well  I’ll  think  about  it. 

Jess.  Think  about  it  ?  I’ll  bet  you’re  getting  scarey. 

Chum.  No,  I’m  not.  I’m  not  afwaid  of  anybody. 

Jess."  Look  out !  Hush  !  I  think  I  see  some  coming. 

Chum.  Oh,  murdah  !  Save  me,  save  me.  \Runs  off,  L.  I  E. 
Jess.  Ha  ha  ha  I  A  fine  soldier  he’d  make.  [Exit,  L.  I  E, 

Enter  F rank  and  Naggle,  l.  U.  E, 

Frank.  There’s  some  deviltry  afoot  here. 

Nag.  It  sorter  looks  that  way.  Have  you  any  idea  who  the  fel« 
ler  was  that  sent  you  back  thar? 

Frank.  No — although  there  was  something  familiar  about  him. 
Nag.  Was  he  alone  ? 

Frank.  Yes. 

Nag.  I  heard  a  shot  fired  some  time  ago  and - - 

Frank.  I’m  afraid  something  has  happened  to  poor  old  Ikey. 

Enter  George  and  Bill,  l.  I 


30 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


Geo.  You  are  right,  Mr.  Evarts.  Something  has  happened. 
Sheriff,  there  has  been  murder  done  here. 

I  Murder! 

Nag.  j 

Geo.  Yes,  murder.  Bill  and  I  were  crossing  over  the  Di* 
vide  up  yonder.  {Points  L.)  Looking  down  this  way,  we  saw 
two  men  standing  here.  In  this  clear  mountain  air  we  recognized 
both.  One  was  tlie  Jew,  and  the  other  was — do  you  know  who  ? 

\To  Frank. 

Frank.  Certainly  not. 

Nag.  Go  on. 

Geo.  Suddenly  the  other  man  drew  his  pistol  and  fired,  but  ap¬ 
parently  missed,  for  old  Ikey  clinched  him  and  they  struggled  to¬ 
ward  the  rocks  yonder.  {Points  R.)  Then  the  murderer  struck  the 
old  man  with  his'pistol  and  he  fell  like  a  log.  The  assassin  robbed 
his  victim,  hid  his  pack  behind  yonder  rock  and - 

Bill  {who  has  crossed  r.  ,  re-appears  with  pack).  An’  here  it  is 
now.  {Picks  up  revolver  near  R.  u.  E.)  An’  here’s  the  gun  he 
drapped. 

Nag.  Let  me  see  it. 

Geo.  Wait  a  moment — I’m  nearly  finished. 

Nag.  Well,  what  then — what  then? 

Geo.  Then  he  dragged  his  victim  to  the  cliff  and  flung  him 
over. 

Frank,  The  scoundrel !  And  you  recognized  him? 

Geo.  We  did. 

Bill.  I’ll  swear  to  that. 

Nag.  Who  was  he? 

Geo.  You  want  to  know  his  name? 

Frank.  Certainly,  man. 

Geo.  Sheriff,  examine  that  pistol  and  you  will  find  the  owner's 
name  enaraved  upon  it ;  search  him,  and  you’ll  find  the  murdered 
man’s  watch. 

Nag.  {looks  at  revolver).  Frank  Evarts! 

Geo.  The  murderer  ! 

Frank.  What!  I?  Oh  you  damnable  liar!  \^Raises  JisU 

Geo.  {points  revolver  ).  Stand  back!  It' s  my  turn  now  I 


QUICK  CURTAIN. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


31 


ACT  IIL 

Scene. — Same  as  Act  I.  Discover  Naggle  behind  bar^  wiping 

.  glasses. 

Nag.  I’ve  struck  a  streak  of  luck  in  this  hotel.  House  full  of 
boarders,  a  good  bar  business,  all  cash  trade,  and  no  opposition — 
except  Mrs.  Naggle.  She  objects  to  the  bar,  but  that  cuts  no  rig- 
ure. 

Enter  Mrs.  Haggle,  d.  f. 

Mrs.  Nag.  It  doesn’t, eh  ? 

Nag.  Why,  my  dear,  I - - 

Mrs.  Nag.  Peter  Naggle,  how  much  liquor  is  there  in  this 
hotel? 

Nag.  How  much? 

Mrs.  N.  That’s  what  I  said. 

Nag.  Why,  there’s  a  barrel  in  the  store  room,  and - - 

Mrs.  N.  No  there  isn’t.  I  knocked  in  the  head  of  that  barrel. 

Nag.  What !  \Crosses  to  c. 

Mrs.  N.  That’s  what  I  said. 

Nag.  Woman  !  Did  you  dare - 

Mrs  N.  Yes  I  did.  (  Walks  up  to  him,  arms  akimbo.')  I  want  you 
to  understand,  Peter  Naggle,  that  I  am  the  mistress  of  this  hotel 
and  don't  you  forget  it! 

Nag.  [sits  L.).  Oh,  I’m  ruined  for  life. 

Mrs.  N.  No,  you  are  not ;  but  the  whiskey  is. 

Enter  One  Lung,  r.  I  E. 

One  L.  You  wantee  me  ? 

Mrs.  N.  Yes.  Take  those  bottles  out  and  smash  them. 

One  L.  Whatee  !  Bustee  bottles  ? 

Nag.  [jumping  up).  I’ll  break  your  head  if  you  do. 

Mrs.  N.  And  I’ll  break  your  head  if  you  don’t. 

One  L.  Bustee  headee  do,  bustee  headee  don’t ;  bustee  headee 
anyway. 

Mrs.  N.  Come  now,  be  lively. 

Nag.  Don’t  you  stir !  (Mrs.  Haggle  walks  up  to  him  and  looks 
him  in  the  face.)  A — a — all  right  my  dear — all  right.  [To  One 
fiercely.)  Why  don’t  you  do  as  you’re  told?  Take  those 
bottles  out  and  smash  ’em.  [Loudly.)  Do  you  hear?  I  want  it  to 
be  distinctly  understood  that  I’m  a  temperance  man,  and  that  the 
Golden  Gulch  is  a  strict  prohibition  hotel.  Come,  my  dear. 

[Exit,  with  Mrs.  N.,  r.  i  e. 

One  L.  Huh  !  Ole  man  changee  mind  heap  soon  quick.  [Gath^ 
ers  up  bottles.)  No  sell  buggee  juice  ?  Knockce  business  sky  high  ? 


32 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


Bustee  bottles?  Not  muchee.  Keepee  bottles.  Gettee  bfg  jag; 
Havee  high  ole  time.  No  flies  on  Chinaman.  Not  muchee. 

[Exit,  L.  I  E. 

Toots  and  O’Gooligan  sings  chorus  f7'om  **  Comrades,’*  staggev^ 
ing  in  O.  F.  as  they  sing  last  line*  O  Gooligan  has  bottle, 

O’G.  Oi  niver  before  in  all  me  loife  associated  wid  a  nagur ;  but 
out  here  Oi‘  d  associate  wid  onybody,  bedad.  An’  me  a  Justice  av 
the  Pace  too  at  that  1 

Toots.  I  nebber  afore  ’sociated  wiv  no  ’count  white  trash,  nohow, 
but  out  heah  I  reckons  I  lose  all  my  self  cumspect. 

O’G.  Nagur! 

Toots.  Huh  ? 

O’G.  Yer  drunk.  Oi  think  Oi’ll  have  to  lock  ye  up. 

Toots.  Yo’s  anudder. 

O’G.  No  sor,  Oi’m  not.  Oi’m  only  toired.  Lane  up  agin  the  bar 
while  Oi  sit  down  an’  think.  {^Pushes  Toots  who  reels  against  Nag« 
GLE  as  the  latter  enters  R.  i  E. )  Howld  aisy  now.  (^Lufxhes  into  ssat^ 
L.)  The  Coort  is  sated. 

Toots.  I — ic — I  wanter  go  to  bed. 

One  L  (entering,  L.  I  E. )  Me  takee  him — Puttee  head  asoak? 

Nag.  All  right.  There  you  go.  [Pushes  Toots  to  Onf  Lung. 

Toots,  [going  up  ann  in  ann  with  One  Lung).  Wha  fo  yo* 
wabble  so  ?  Huh  ? 

One  Lc  Oh,  dly  up,  [Exit,  with  Toots,  D.  F. 

O’G.  Begorry,  Oi’ll  not  associate  wid  that  ai:  nagur  ony  more; 
ony  mon  that’ll  go  aff  arm  in  arm  wid  a  haythen  Chmazer  is  be¬ 
neath  me  contimpt.  [Attempts  to  rise,  but  falls  back  into  seat.)  No 
sor;  ony  mon  wid  OGooligan  blood  in  his  vems  cannot  be  too 
careful.  [Attempts  to  rise  as  before. )  Say  what  ye  will,  a  nagur  is  a 
nagur  onyhowo  [Same  business.)  Oi  don’t  know  whether  Oi  want 
to  get  up  or  not. 

Enter  CiiUMMY  and  Sniffles,  D.  F.  Chummy  wears  blanket  and 

hat  as  i'l  last  act.  Sniffles  has  a  tom  coat,  smashed  hat,  blop(^ 

nos?-  ami  Idack  eye, 

O  G.  By  all  the  powers  th are’s  been  a  foight,  and  Oi  wasn’t  in 

Nag.  [aside).  Don’t  look  as  if  they  were  in  it  either. 

Chum.  Blawst  the  Indians ! 

Snif.  That’s  what  I  say — damn  the  Indians. 

O’G.  L..k  at  that  now — hear  him  shwear! 

Snif.  There  are  times  when  profanity  is  justifiable.  Condem* 
the  tracts.  [Elings  dawn  val  'u. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH  33 

0*G.  Heretherel  {Aside.")  Oh,  Oifergot.  {Takes  doifU.)  Oihave 
je  safe,  me  darlin*. 

Chum.  He  stole  ms  coat  and  me  hat,  and  made  me  put  on  these 
dweadful  things.  [E/in^s  off  hat  and  blanket. 

Snif.  And  he  fell  upon  me  Ukc  unto  a  Philistine  and  smote  me 
hip  and  thigh. 

Nag.  Who  was  it? 

Chum.  That  w’etched  Indian ! 

Snif.  Yes — that  Indian  ! 

O’G.  Thare  he  goes  agin.  Oi’ll  throw  up  me  job.  Oi*ll  not  work 
tor  a  man  who  shwears. 

Chum.  I  feel  cweepy  all  ovah.  {Goes  L.)  I’ll  go  wight  up  to  me 
'  woom  and  take  a  bawth.  [Exit,  L.  I  E. 

O'G.  Faith  he’ll  nade  it  av  he’s  been  wearin  an  Injun’s  over¬ 
coat. 

Nag.  {to  Sniffles),  Here,  old  man  {fills  a  glass  from  O’Gool- 
IGAn’s  bottle),  take  a  bracer. 

Snif.  Thank  you,  I  will.  There  are  times  when  liquor  is  very 
good  for  the  stomach’s  sake.  {Drinks. 

O’G.  Oh,  luk  at  that !  Now  Oi  will  throw  up  me  job.  Oi’ll 
have  nothin’  to  do  wid  a  man  who  drinks. 

Snif.  Ah,  that  puts  new  life  into  me.  I  can  again  gird  up  my 
loins  and  go  forth  to  battle  with  the  powers  of  darkness. 

O’G.  Ye  betther  first  go  up-stairs  an’  battle  wid  some  soap  an* 
wather. 

Snif.  Mr.  O’Gooligan,  your  remarks  are  slightly  offensive ;  yet, 
judging  by  the  somewhat  exalted  condition  of  my  nose  you  are 
doubtless  correct.  I  will  go  to  my  room. 

O’G.  An’  Oi’ll  go  wid  ye.  {Half  rises,  and  falls  back  as  before.) 
Oi  dunno  whether  Oi  will  or  not.  Try  again,  O’Gooligan.  Niver 
say  doie.  {Rises  very  carefully,  and  lurches  forward,  catching  hold 
of  Sniffles.)  Mr.  Sniffles,  Oi’m  surprised  at  ye.  Who  wud  think 
now  that  wan  single  glass  o’  whiskey  wud  make  ye  so  drunk? 
Here  Oi’ve  drunk  an  intoire  bottle  an’  Oi’m  as  sober  as  a  hitch- 
«ng  post. 

Snif.  Mr.  O’Gooligan,  I  am  intoxicated. 

O’G.  Oh  yis,  ye  air.  Can’t  Oi  see  it  wid  me  two  eyes?  Ye 
can’t  stand  stiddy  to  save  yer  loife.  Come  on.  (  They  go  L.)  It’s 
a  bad  example  yer  settin’  me  entoirely.  Oi’m  afraid  Oi  must  lave 
ye.  Mr.  Sniffles,  unless  ye  refarrum,  for  Oi  can’t  aboid  a  man  who 
drinks.  Stiddy  now.  \They  exeunt,  L.  I  E. 

Nag.  1  wonder  why  some  of  the  boys  don’t  show  up.  Frank 
ought  to  be  back  from  the  Bar  by  this  time,  to  stand  trial  on  that 
fool  charge.  {Looks  off  D.  F. )  Hello  !  One  Lung  has  sobered  up 
the  nigger. 

Enter  One  Lung  and  Toots,  d.  f* 


34 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


One  L,  Nigga  man  allee  lite  ?  [Exit  Naggle,  d.  P. 

Toots.  Reckon  I  is.  But  now  jes  look  har’.  Ise  er  gemm»4i 
ob  color,  I  is.  Darfo’  when  in  de  co’se  ob  human  events  yo’  fine 
it  necessary  to  ’dress  me,  jes  please  ter  recommembah  dat  my 
name  am  Senator  Juniper  Toots,  an’  spoke  to  me  accordin’. 

One  L.  Allee  lite  Tootee.  Ilishman  gone. 

Toots.  Say,  duz  yo’  wanter  earn  a  dollah  ? 

One  L.  Dollee  ?  You  bettee. 

Toots.  Ef  yo’  put  dat  Irishman  unner  de  pump  same’s  yo*  did 
me,  I  gibs  yo’  a  dollah.  An’  ef  yo’  kicks  de  stuffin  outen  him  I 
gibs  yo’  two  dollahs. 

One  L.  Lemme  see.  {^Counts  on  fingers.)  Soakee  head,  one 
dollee  ;  kickee  stuffin’,  two  dollee.  {Looks  up.)  Say — killee  dead 
fo’  five  dollee. 

Toots.  Whut  yo’  take  me  fo’  eh?  I  ain’t  no ’sassination  serciety, 
I  ain’t.  No  sah.  Jes’  yo’  duz  whut  I  done  tole  yo’  an’  nuffin 
mo’,  Unnerstan,  dat? 

One  L.  Alle  lite.  If  me  ketchee  him,  me  soakee  him  head. 
No  ketchee,  no  soakee.  \They  exeunt,  R.  l  E. 

Enter  FRANK  ^zw^Naggle,  d.  F. 

Nag.  Now  Frank,  my  boy,  this  thing  is  bound  to  come  out  all 
right.  None  of  the  boys  believe  you  did  it. 

Frank.  Thank  you  for  that,  old  fellow. 

'  Enter  Jess  and^lKS.  Naggle,  d.  f. 

Nag.  And  you  don’t  blame  me  for  arresting  you  ? 

Frank.  Not  in  the  least. 

Jess.  Arrested?  [Runs  io  T ka^k.)  What  does  he  mean ? 

Frank.  There,  there,  my  dear,  don’t  be  frightened. 

Jess.  Tell  me  Frank,  what  does  it  mean? 

Frank.  It  means — oh  you  tell  her.  [  To  Naggle. 

Nag.  Well,  you  see  Jess,  they  say  that  old  Ikey  is  done  up,  and 
Gentleman  George  is  trying  to  lay  it  on  Frank. 

Jess.  Oh  the  wretches  !  I’d  like  to — 

Nag.  Take  it  cool,  Jess.  We’ll  see  Frank  through. 

Mrs.  N.  There  !  I  knew  something  would  happen  when  I  left 
my  work  to  go  tramping  around  this  morning. 

Enter  MATILDA,  quickly ^  D.  F. 

Mat.  Happen!  Well  I  should  guess  so.  Send  for  the  police  I 
Hurry  up,  hurry  up  1 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH 


3$ 


Mr««  N.  What*s  the  matter  now  ? 

Mat.  Matter  enough.  There’s  Indians  around  everywhere—* 
hundreds  and  hundreds  of  them.  Our  lives  are  in  danger  and 
I’ve  almost  been  kidnapped. 

Nag.  {^half  aside).  I’ll  bet  she  saw  old  Magnus.  \All laugh. 

Mat.  Don’t  stand  there  like  wooden  men  !  Send  for  the  police, 
I  tell  you  !  Call  out  the  soldiers  !  Raise  an  army  !  Goodness  gra* 
cious  sakes  alive  I  Do  do  something  !  {^Disgusted  tone.)  Well,  1 
can’t  see  what  you  are  all  laughing  at. 

Mrs.  N.  Perhaps  he  took  you  for  a — ha,  ha,  ha  I 

Nag.  Maybe  he  thought  you  were  a — he,  he,  he! 

Mat.  [indignantly).  Well  I’m  not?^  “  ha,  ha,  ha,**  nor  a  “  he, 
he,  he,”  I’ll  have  you  to  know.  This  is  a  nice  way  to  treat  me 
after  I’ve  been  frightened  nearly  to  death  and  almost  run  away 
with.  I  don’t  believe  that  I  shall  ever  recover  from  the  shock  as 
long  as  I  live.  It’s  a  terrible  thing  for  a  young  girl  like  me  to  un¬ 
dergo  such  a  frightful  experience,  to  say  nothing  of  being  laughed 
at.  [All laugh.)  Well,  laugh,  will  you,  laugh  !  [Cries.)  I’m  sure 
I  don’t  care  so — so — so — so  there  now!  You’re  a  lot  of  savages, 
that’s  what  you  are,  and  I’m  going  right  straight  back  home ! 

[Exit,  D.  P, 

Mrs.  N.  There  !  See  what  you*ve  done  now,  Peter  Naggle. 

Nag.  What  have  I  done  ? 

Mrs.  N.  What  have  you  done?  You*ve  driven  away  a  regulaf 
boarder,  that’s  what.  And  goodness  knows  women  are  scarce 
enough  in  this  country,  too.  And  regular,  paying  boarders  aren*t 
to  be  found  every  day,  neither.  Ugh  I  I’ve  no  patience  with  you. 

[Exit,  R.  I  E. 

Nag.  I  half  believe  that  those  women  are  twin  sisters,  leastways 
so  far  as  their  tongues  go. 

Enter  O’GoOLIGAN,  GeoRGE  D.  F. 

O’G.  How  air  ye  gintlemen,  how  air  ye  ? 

Nag.  Blest  if  he  ain’t  sober. 

O’G.  Yis — Oi’ve  had  me  hid  under  yer  ould  pump.  So  Frank, 
me  bye,  ye’ve  been  murderin’  and  robbin*  eh  ?  Tut  tut  now,  don’t 
say  a  wurrud.  Oi  belave  ye  air  innocent,  but  Oi  must  uphold  the 
majesty  2iV  the  law  an’  try  ye,  jist  the^^same. 

Geo.  You  can’t  try  him.  You’re  only  a  Justice. 

O’G.  That’s  a  lie  fer  ye.  The  byes  elected  me  Judge  about 
twinty  minutes  ago  down  at  Duffy’s  saloon. 

Nag.  I  thought  Duffy  wanted  to  be  Judge. 

O’G.  So  he  did,  but  me  son  Mike  persuaded  him  to  widdraw. 

Nag.  How? 

O’G.  How  ?  Why  wid  kind  words  an*  a  couple  av  six  shootCrS* 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


S6 

And  Oi  say,  Naggle,  wud  ye  moind  skippin*  acrass  the  street  an* 
tellin’  me  son  Mike  to  come  here  ?  \^ts  dawn  shot  gun. 

Nag.  All  right.  Judge.  [Exit,  D.  F. 

Enter  Mrs.  Haggle,  r.  i  e. 

0*G.  {to  Mrs.  N.).  Oi  trust,  mem,  thot  ye’ll  kindly  excuse  me 
fer  bringing  me  coort  here,  but  ye  know  we’ve  got  no  coort  house 
yet,  an’  divil  av  an  office  have  Oi  at  all  at  all. 

Mrs.  N.  You’re  entirely  welcome.  Judge. 

Jess.  And  you  will  let  us  remain,  won’t  you? 

O’G.  Won’t  Oi  though  ?  Indade  Oi  will.  Oi  shall  be  greatly  de- 
loighted  to  have  youth  and  beauty  honor  me  coort  room.  Plaze  be 
sated.  [Jess  and  Mrs.  N.  sit  at  rear. 

Enter  HAGGLE,  D.  F, 

O’G.  Well,  where’s  me  son  ? 

Nag.  Mike  is  playing  poker  over  at  Duffy’s,  and  he  says  he’ll 
see  you  hanged  before  he’ll  come. 

O’G.  Did  me  son  Mike  say  that  ? 

Nag.  Sure’s  you’re  born. 

O’G.  Ah,  ha.  Yis,  Oi  see.  Well,  you  jist  tell  me  son  Mike  av  he 
don’t  git  a  gait  on  himself  an’  come  over  here  on  the  fly,  Oi’ll 
foine  him  fifty  dollars  fer  contimpt  av  coort,  bad  cess  to  him. 

Nag.  All  right.  Judge.  [Exit,  D.  F. 

O’G.  See  me  hanged  will  he  ?  Ah,  ha.  Well,  Oi  think  not.  Oi’ll 
uphould  the  dignity  av  this  coort  at  any  cost.  Here,  Frank  me 
bye,  lind  a  hand  an’  hilp  me  bring  the  table  up  here.  {They  bring 
table  and  stools  from  L.  to  upper  R.  c.)  Thank  ye.  How  ye  two 
witnisses  go  over  there.  {Points  B..  Gb.ob.gb.  and  cross  and 
sit.)  Now  Frank,  me  bye,  Oi  want  ye  to  sit  here  beside  me, 
{Points  to  chair  at  L.  of  table)  so  thot  Oi  kin  kape  me  eye  on  ye. 
Tut  tut,  now  don’t  say  a  word.  (Frank  sits.)  Thare.  Now 
ladies  and  gintlemin,  the  coort  is  open  for  business. 

Enter  HAGGLE,  D.  F. 

Nag.  Mike  says  if  you  fine  him  that  he’ll  come  over  here  and 
mop  the  floor  up  with  you. 

O’G,  Ah,  ha.  {Rubs  chin.)  Well,  he’s  excused.  Let  me  see. 
Naggle,  I  guess  we’ll  have  to  use  you  for  wan  av  the  jury. 

Geo.  I  object.  You  can’t  use  the  sheriff  for  a  jury  man. 

O’G.  Can’t  Oi  though  ?  Well  now,  who’s  running  this  coort?  If 
it  you  or  is  it  me  ? 

Qcob  You  are  pretending  to. 

h  ^  ^  ^  '  ■  r- 


•  THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


17 


O’G.  Pretinding  is  it  ?  Thare’s  no  pretinse  in  your  bein’  foined 
fifty  dollars  for  contimpt.  We  must  get  a  jury  somehow.  Land¬ 
lord,  you’ll  do  fer  wan.  Now  who’ll  we  have  nixt  ? 

Nag.  There’s  a  dude  up-stairs. 

O'G.  Sind  fer  him.  The  bigger  fool  a  man  is,  the  betther  juror 
be  makes. 

Nag.  [calls]*  One  Lung !  Oh,  One  Lung! 

Enter  One  Lung,  r.  i  e. 

One  L.  You  callee  ? 

Nag.  Tell  Mr.  Litewate  to  come  down. 

One  L.  Allee  lite.  \Goes  L. 

Nag.  And  bring  in  some  more  chairs. 

[Exit  One  Lung,  l.  i  e. 

Geo.  {aside  to  Bill).  Stick  to  our  story  through  thick  and 
thin. 

Bill.  You  bet. 

Nag.  Look  hyar  Jedge,  you  know  well  enough  that  Frank  is 
innocent - 

O’G.  Oi  belave  he  is. 

Nag.  Then  why  not  discharge  him  ? 

O’G.  Bekase  he’s  not  loaded.  Oh,  no,  me  bye.  We  must  up- 
hould  the  majesty  av  the  law  an’  prove  what  we  already  know  to 
be  true,  bedad. 

Enter  One  Lung,  l.  i  e. 

One  L.  Come  ’long,  dudee.  {Brings  on  six  chairs  and  places 
them  in  row  L.,  facing  C.  Naggle  sits  in  upper  chair.]  Hully 
up,  dudee 1 

Enter  Chummy  and  Sniffles,  l.  i  e. 

O’G.  Hare’s  two  more.  We  want  ye  for  jurors.  Sit  down. 

Chum.  But  I  don’t  see - 

O’G.  Sit  down  !  [Chummy  sits  quickly. 

Chum.  But,  weally,  I  caunt - 

O’G.  Shut  up! 

Snif.  Verily,  I  would  say - 

O’G.  Dry  up  !  Sit  down  or  Oi’ll  foine  ye. 

Snif.  [sits].  May  I  venture  to  inquire  what  is  the  nature  of  the 
case  ? 

O’G.  No  sor.  Ye  don’t  nade  to  know  onything  about  the  case. 
All  ye  have  to  do  is  to  foind  a  verdict. 

Nag.  Well,  here’s  three  of  us. 


38 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


Enter  TootS,  D.  F. 

Toots.  An’  here’s  anudder. 

Chum.  Oh,  but  I  object  to  hint,  don’t  ye  know. 

Toots.  Wha’s  dat  ?  Object  to  me  sah  ?  I  don’t  let  no  white  trash 
dudes  talk  dat  way  sah,  no  sah.  I’ll  turn  a  razzer  lOOse  on  yo’  de 
fust  t’ing  yo’  knows,  sah. 

Snif.  Behold,  a  row  approacheth,  verily. 

Chum.  I  don’t  want  any  wow. 

Toots.  Den  yo’  better  not  insinuate  any  sorter  specifications 
ag’in  dis  yar  chile. 

O’G.  Silence  in  the  coort.  Oi  hate  the  worst  way  to  have  a 
nagur  on  the  jury.  It  goes  agin  me.  Well,  come  here.  {Aside.) 
I’ll  ax  the  coon  some  laygal  questions.  {Toots  ai  k.  of  iad/e.) 
Air  ye  an  American  citizen  ? 

Toots.  ’Spects  I  is,  yes  sah — yo’  honah. 

O’G.  ’Publican  or  Prohibitionist  ? 

Toots.  ’Publican  sah,  yes  sah — yo’  honah. 

O’G.  Who  do  ye  vote  for  ? 

Toots.  I  vote  fo’  de  man  wot  pays  de  most. 

O’G.  Do  yez  know  the  meaning  av  ex fartef 

Toots.  Reckon  not,  sah. 

O’G.  Air  ye  opposed  to  capital  punishment  ? 

Toots.  Don’  know,  sah. 

O’G.  Do  yez  recognize  the  meaning  av  meumet  tuumt 

Toots.  Nebber  seed  ’em,  sah. 

O’G.  Ever  rade  the  papers? 

Toots.  No,  sah. 

O’G.  Can  ye  rade  at  all  ? 

Toots.  No,  sah. 

O’G.  You’ll  do.  Sit  down.  {Aside.)  Av  he  was  only  a  white 
mon  what  a  foine  juror  he’d  make. 

Chum.  I  say.  Judge - 

O’G.  Silence  in  the  coort.  We’ve  only  four  in  the  jury,  but 
that’s  enough  for  this  coort.  Gintlemin  av  the  jury,  stand  up. 
{They  rise.)  Ye  solemnly  shware  to  foind  a  verdict  av 

ye  know  enough  according  to  the  facts  an’  what  I  tell  ye  or  I’ll 
fill  ye  full  av  buckshot  sit  down  !  \They  sit. 

Frank.  Well  Judge,  as  you  have  settled  the  preliminaries  I  sup¬ 
pose  we  may  as  well  hear  what  those  curs  have  to  say. 

Nag.  I  wouldn’t  believe  ’em  under  oath. 

O’G.  Nayther  wud  Oi. 

Toots.  Dat’s  me,  too. 

O’G.  Shut  up!  Silence  in  the  coort!  Mr.  Gintleman  George, 
stand  up.  Raise  yer  roight  hand.  Ye’ll  spake  the  truth,  the 
whole  av  it  an’  nothin’  else  begorry  go  ahead. 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH, 


39 


Geo.  I  have  nothing  to  say,  your  Honor— 

O’G.  Thin  sit  down. 

Geo.  I  mean - 

O’G.  Thin  say  what  ye  mane. 

Geo.  I  saw  the  prisoner  fire  at  the  Jew,  strike  him  down,  rob 
him,  and  throw  him  over  the  cliff.  The  watch  found  in  his  pocket, 
the  pistol  with  one  chamber  empty,  and  the  pack  belonging  to  the 
Jew  all  prove  that  I  speak  the  truth. 

O’G.  All  roight.  Sit  down. 

Chum.  Beg  pawdon,  but  where  did  this  murdah  occur  ? 

O’G.  None  o’  yer  business.  Broncho  Bill,  stand  up.  Put  up 
yer  roight  hand.  Ye  solemnly  shware  an’  so  on  the  same  as  Gin- 
tleman  George,  and  av’  ye  lie  look  out  that’s  all  go  on. 

\Speaks  his  closing  liHes  rapidly,  ignoring  pauses. 

Bill.  I  seed  everything  jest  es  George  hes  told  it. 

O’G.  Ye  shware  ye  aint  lyin’  now  ? 

Bill.  Sartin. 

O’G.  Sit  down  thin. 

Toots.  I — [yawns)  I  say  not  guilty. 

O’G.  I  say  shut  up  !  Now  thin,  Frank,  me  bye,  it*s  your  turn. 
Did  ye  kill  the  Jew  ? 

Frank  [rising).  I  did  not. 

Toots.  Dat  settles  it.  I’s  gwine  ter  bed. 

O’G.  Naggle,  av  that  nagur  opens  his  mouth  ag’in  ye  have  my 
permission  to  slaughter  him. 

Nag.  Kerrect,  Jedge. 

Toots  [aside).  Fo’  de  Ian’  sake!  I  wantergo  home! 

O’G.  [to  Frank).  Those  min  shware  ye  did. 

Frank.  Those  men  lie. 

Geo.  [springs  up  and  reaches  for  revolver).  By  heaven  ! 

O’G.  [aiming  shotgun).  Hands  up,  or  I’ll  save  ye  from  hang- 
in’.  Naggle,  take  the  arrums  away  from  those  min. 

\He  does  so. 

Frank.  Old  Ikey  wished  to  accompany  me  to  Sandy  Bar.  We 
started,  but  were  overtaken  by  a  man  who  I  strongly  suspect 
was  yonder  scoundrel  in  disguise.  He  delivered  a  lying  message 
which  brought  me  back  to  this  hotel.  Suspecting  foul  play,  I  has¬ 
tened  to  return,  and  met  Naggle  on  the  way.  I  had  loaned  Old 
Ikey  my  revolver,  but  I  know  nothing  of  the  watch  nor  the  pack. 

O’G.  That’s  a  straight  story.  Ye  shwear  to  it? 

Frank  [raising  right  hand).  I  do. 

Snif.  Verily  then,  somebody  hath  lied. 

Nag.  Look  here,  Jedge,  Frank’s  testimony  is  better’n  that  of  a 
thousand  such  fellers  as  them. 

O’G.  That’s  all  roight,  but  the  majesty  av  the  law  must  be  up- 
hild.  It’s  two  agin  wan,  wid  collateral  tistimony  behoind  thim. 

Nag.  What’s  ther  upshot  of  it? 


40 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH, 


Geo.  There  is  no  doubt  of  the  prisoner’s  guilt. 

Bill.  ’Course  not. 

Geo.  Your  Honor  should  charge  the  jury  according  to  the  law, 
and  lets  facts  decide. 

O’G.  Do  ye  think  so  ?  Well  now  perhaps  ye  can  run  this  coort 
betther  nor  Oi  can.  Av  so,  Oi’ll  resign. 

Geo.  I’m  not  trying  to  dictate - 

O’G.  Ye  betther  not. 

Mrs.  N.  Haven’t  you  a  verdict? 

Nag.  I  believe  we  can  give  one  off  hand. 

Toots.  Second  de  motion.  I  wanter  go  ter  bed  ! 

O’G.  [aside).  Oi  am  satisfied  Oi  shall  have  to  kill  that  nagur. 

Frank.  Suppose  you  charge  the  jury.  I  have  no  doubt  about 
the  verdict. 

O’G.  But  Oi  have  a  great  deal  av  doubt.  Ye  see  gintlemin, 
thare  bein’  no  lawyers  ayther  for  the  prosecution  or  the  definse, 
Oi  fale  it  me  juty  to  presint  the  case  fairly  on  both  sides.  There¬ 
fore,  Oi  will  first  address  ye  [rises)  as  the  attorney  for  the  prosecu¬ 
tion.  [Aside  to  Frank.)  Niver  moind  what  Oi  say  now.  Ahem  ! 
[Strikes  attitude.)  Gintlemin  av  the  jury  :  Ye  heard  the  evidence 
given  an’  it  nades  no  flight  av  oratory  to  show  that  the  prisoner  at 
the  bar  is  a  hardened  criminal  who  ought  to  have  been  hung  years 
before  he  was  born  ! 

Toots.  Dat  am  so. 

O’G.  Yis,  as  me  noble  African  frind  says,  it  is  so.  Gaze  upon 
him,  gintlemin  av  the  jury.  Is  not  crime  plainly  concealed  in  his 
face  ?  Can  ye  not  see  it  hidden  thare  in  plain  sight  ?  Think  av 
the  poor  ould  Jew  gettin’  this  man  to  pertect  him,  only  to  foind  a 
viper  who  not  only  murdered  him,  but,  worse  than  all,  robbed  him 
before  his  own  face  an’  eyes  while  he  lay  thare  dead.  Now  gaze 
upon  these  two  noble  witnesses  who  have  aided  the  law  to  bring 
the  murderer  to  justice.  Their  names  will  go  thunderin’  down  the 
corridors  av  Toime  as  the  frinds  av  justice,  humanity  an’  the  con¬ 
stitution.  Gintlemin  av  the  jury,  ye  have  a  sacred  duty  to  per- 
farrum.  You  may  be  frinds  av  the  prisoner’s,  but  that  must  not 
defate  justice.  The  eyes  av  the  whole  world  air  upon  ye.  The 
scales  av  justice  hang  trimblin’  in  the  balance,  an’  onless  ye  want 
chaos  an’  ruination  to  swape  over  the  earth,  carryin’  death  and 
distraction  in  their  wake,  ye  must,  ye  must  foind  the  prisoner 
guilty. 

Bill.  Hooray  for  the  Jedge  I 

Snif.  Verily,  he  should  be  hanged  by  the  neck. 

Geo.  Let’s  hear  the  verdict. 

Jess,  [angrily).  Judge,  you’re  a  brute,  so  now! 

O’G.  Silence  in  the  coort !  Ye  will  get  no  verdict  until  the  attor¬ 
ney  for  the  definse  has  had  his  say.  Ahem!  [Strikes  attitude.') 
Gintlemin  av  the  jury  :  Ye  have  heard  the  fayble  attimpt  made  by 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


41 


the  prosecuting  attorney  to  blacken  the  fair  fame  av  the  prisoner 
at  the  bar.  I  will  not  insoolt  yer  intelligence  by  showin’  the  wake- 
ness  av  his  argumints,  for  he  did  the  bist  he  cud  wid  a  bad  case. 
We  must  have  de facto  evidence. 

Toots.  Yes  sah.  Show  us  dat  ar  de  facts. 

O’G.  We  cannot  have  facts  widout  truth,  an’  I  deny  that  any 
has  been  shown.  Would  ye  belave  min  loike  those  witnesses  ? 
Luk  at  their  crime -hardened  faces.  Guilt  is  stamped  all  over 
thim,  an’  the  strong  arm  av  an  outraged  Justice  is  reachin’  forth 
to  jerk  thim  out  o’  their  boots.  Now  gaze  upon  the  prisoner,  gin- 
tlemin  av  the  jury.  Ye  all  know  him  as  a  gintleman,  an’  wan  av 
Uncle  Sam’s  bravest  scouts.  He  is  incapable  av  desate  an’  ye  all 
would  take  his  word  as  a  bond.  Remimber  that  a  man’s  loife  is  at 
stake  an’  foind  a  verdict  av  not  guilty  or  it  will  be  dom  bad  ferye. 
(To  JESS.  )  An’  what  do  ye  think  o’  me  now  ? 

Jess.  You’re  an  angel ! 

Nag.  Say,  Bill,  why  don’t  ye  hooray  fer  the  Jedge  now  ? 

Toots.  We  say  not  guilty,  ’cose  we  duz. 

O’G.  No  ye  don’t  ayther. 

Bill.  Hooray  fer  the  Jedge  ! 

O’G.  Silence  in  the  coort?  Ye’ll  foind  no  verdict  until  the 
charge  is  delivered,  which  I  will  now  do  as  the  prosecutin’  attor¬ 
ney  rests  his  case.  Ahem!  Now  gintlemin,  ye  air  to  judge  the 
facts  in  the  case.  Whare  thare  is  a  raysonable  doubt  ye  must 
acquit  the  prisoner,  an’  as  there  is  no  doubt  of  the  prisoner’s  inno¬ 
cence  ye  will  bring  in  a  verdict  accordin’,  or  somethin’  will  hap¬ 
pen.  {Jury  confer;  Mrs.  Naggle  and argue  with  them  in 
dumb  show. ) 

Geo.  This  is  a  mockery  of  justice. 

O’G.  That’s  a  lie  fer  ye.  Justice  is  niver  mocked  in  a  cooit 
whare  I  preside. 

Nag.  We  have  reached  a  verdict,  your  Honor. 

O’G.  Prisoner,  aroise.  What  do  ye  say,  guilty  or  not  guilty. 

Nag.  Not  guilty. 

O’G.  So  say  ye  all? 

All.  So  say  we  all. 

Mrs.  N.  Hooray  for  the  jury  !  Why  don’t  you  cheer.  Bill  ? 

O’G.  Prisoner,  ye  air  discharged, 

Frank.  Thank  you.  {All  but  G’EOKG'E  and '&ILL,  crowd  aroujid 
Frank,  shaking  his  hands.  Mrs.  Naggle  embraces  Naggle.) 

Geo.  {to  Bill  ).  The  jig  is  up.  We’d  better  make  tracks. 

Bill.  You  bet.  \They  start  towards  D.  f. 

O’G.  {stopping  them).  Hould  on,  hould  on,  now. 

Geo.  What  do  you  mean  ? 

O’G.  Oi’m  not  through  yet.  We  have  now  to  find  out  wh0 
murdered  Ikey  Einstein  / 


42 


THE  GOLDEN  GULCH. 


Enter,  Ikey,  d,  f.,  hatless ^  ivith  tom  clothing, 

Ikey.  Nobody  ! 

All.  What !. 

Ikey.  I  VOS  not  murdered,  I  fall  on  a  ledge  uf  rock  und  es» 
cape  ;  but  dose  two  tarn  scoundrels  rob  me  und  try  to  kill  me. 

Geo.  It’s  a  lie  !  Get  out  of  my  way  !  \^Starts. 

O’G.  {^points  shot  gun).  Stand  back,  unless  ye  want  some 
buckshot.  Naggle,  tie  ’em  wid  a  rope,  an’  Oi’ll  blow  their  heads 
off  av  they  resist.  [N AGGL.K  dinds  Bill.  George  dtaws  knife  and 
rushes  at  Frank.) 

Geo.  I’ll  have  life  anyhow. 

Frank  {throws  him  off  and  pulls  knife).  Stand  back  ;  boys,  I’m 
his  match.  (Frank  and  George  have  a  short  fierce  struggle  and 
George  is  slain,  falling  at  rear  of  stage .) 

All  [as  George  falls).  Hooray,  hooray,  hooray  !  {Men  swing 
hats.  One  Lung  kicks  Bill.  Frank  embraces  Jess.) 


QUICK  CURTAIN. 


THE  MAN  FROM  MAINE 

A  DRAMA  IN  FIVE  ACTS 
By  CHARLES  TOWNSEND 
PRICE  25  CENTS 

Nine  male,  three  female  characters.  A  young  man  from  Maine,  a 
wealthy  New  Yorker,  a  young  lawyer,  a  swell  English  lord.  Faro  Phila, 
black  sheep;  a  dude,  a  Bowery  bruiser,  Billy  the  Bum,  a  darkey  servant. 
A  social  leader,  a  woman  with  a  history,  a  Daisy  Maine  wildflower.  Time 
of  playing,  2%  hours.  4  interior  scenes. 

SYNOPSIS  OF  INCIDENTS. 

Act  I. — Van  Cruger’s  vanity.  The  letter.  A  cool  reception.  Mrs. 
Bradley’s  cunning.  The  question.  The  threat. 

Act  II. — A  week  later.  Some  hot  words.  The  decoy  letter.  A  game 
of  cards.  The  biter  bitten. 

Act  III. — A  day  later.  Phil’s  scheme.  A  specimen  “tough.”  An 
untimely  arrival.  A  shrewd  adventuress.  A  brutal  couple.  The  threat. 
A  desperate  game. 

Act  IV. — An  hour  later.  A  “dive”  in  the  Bowery.  Billy  the  Bum. 
A  hard  crowd.  The  row.  A  lucky  arrival.  A  struggle  for  life.  Muggins 
learns  a  lesson. 

Act  V. — The  next  morning.  A  smashed  up  dude.  Nearing  the  end. 
Mabel’s  experience.  Brought  to  bay.  The  last  resort.  Foiled. 


Timothy  Delano’s  Courtship 

COMEDY  IN  TWO  ACTS 

By  MARTHA  R.  ORNE 

PRICE  15  CENTS 

Two  male,  three  female  characters.  A  rich  old  gentleman,  an  old  maid, 
a  young  girl  and  her  brother,  a  colored  servant  girl.  Time  of  playing, 
hours.  The  old  aunt  talks  in  Mrs.  Partington’s  style,  i  parlor  scene. 

SYNOPSIS  OF  INCIDENTS. 

Act  I. — The  old  aunt  insists  on  her  niece  accepting  old  Timothy.  Rick’s 
little  game  and  the  darkey’s  strategy. 

Act  II. — The  scheme  works.  Timothy  hears  some  things  which  astonish 
him.  His  escape.  Aunt  Tabitha  catches  him  on  the  rebound,  and  he  stays 
caught. 


ROBERT  EMMET  (New  Version) 

A  Drama  in  fhree  acts,  revised  by  CHAI^LES  TOWNSEND. 

PRICE,  15  CENTS 

This  new  version  of  this  great  historical  drama,  orig^inally  requiring  elab» 
orate  scenery,  is  so  simplified  by  reducing  the  stage  settings  to  four  scenes — 2 
interiors  and  2  exteriors,  that  it  can  easily  be  represented  with  the  ordinary  re¬ 
sources  of  Town  and  Village  halls,  but  retaining  the  plot  and  action  of  the  orig¬ 
inal  drama. 


DRAMATIS  PERSON/E 

Robert  Emmet,  the  Irish  Patriot  Sergeant  Topfall)  of  the  English 

Darby  O’Gaff,  Sprig  of  the  Emerald  Isle  Corporal  Thomas  /  Army 
O’Leary,  an  old  Soldier  Lord  Norbury  "j 

Dowdall,  Friend  to  Emmet  Baron  George  >the  Judges 

Kernan,  a  Traitor  Baron  Daly  ) 

Maria,  Emmet’s  Wife  Judy  O’Dougherty,  beloved  by 

Peasants,  Soldiers,  Colleagues  of  Emmet’s,  Constables.  Jury.  [Darby 
Time  of  Representation.— Two  Hours. 


SYNOPSIS  OF  INCIDENTS 

Act  I.— The  Spy, — “where  have  I  seen  that  mug  before?  ”  The  disguise,  the 
wrestle,  defeat,  recognition.  The  prisoner,  the  Sergeant  baffled,  the  rescue,  the 
Judge — “  My  name  is  Robert  Emmet !  ’’ 

Act  II. — Emmet’s  home— the  letter,  “  I  shall  be  home  to-day.”  The  wife’s 
plea.  The  search.  Darby’s  stratagem.  The  secret  conclave.  The  traitor  un¬ 
masked.  The  escape  and  betrayal. 

Act  III. — Darby  and  Judy,  “  Hurrah  for  America !  ”  Emmet  a  prisoner,  the 
trial,  guilty,  sentence  of  death,  the  parting  from  his  wife.  Emmet’s  fruitless  appeal. 


BUTTERNUT’S  BRIDE; 

OR,  SHE  WOULD  BE  A  WIDOW 

An  Original  Farce-Comedy  in  Three  Acts,  for  Laughing  Purposes  Onijf 

By  LEVIN  C.  TEES 

Price,  25  Cents 


Eleven  male,  six  female  characters  (by  doubling,  the  piece  can  be  played  by  seven 
gentlemen  and  four  ladies).  The  leading  male  parts  offer  great  opportunities  for  two 
comedians  ;  the  remaining  male  characters  will  yield  barrels  of  fun.  All  of  the  female 
parts  are  first-rate  and  none  of  them  difficult  to  play.  As  pla^^ed  by  Matthews  & 
Bulger,  under  the  name  of  at  “At  Gay  Coney  Island,”  this  play  has  won  applause 
everywhere  from  packed  houses.  It  is  a  laugh-producer  all  around.  Time  of  play¬ 
ing,  two  and  a  half  hours. 

SYNOPSIS  OP  INCIDENTS 

Act  I. — Dr.  Syrup’s  office.  ^  An  M.D.  in  the  dumps.  “  When  are  you  going  to  pay 
me  my  v/ages,  sa-ay?”  Making ’em  feel  at  home.  Poor  Willie.  Striking  a  bargain. 
Uncle  Abel’s  scheme.  Daisy  in  a  scrape.  An  unprincipled  plumber  with  a  classical 
countenance.  A  deputy  sheriff  taking  stock  on  the  quiet.  Throwing  out  the  wrong  man. 
Fifty  dollars  for  a  husband.  Doctor,  the  bath-tub  is  busted  and  the  house  is  afloat ! 

Act  II. — The  home  of  Butternut’s  bride  in  Madison  Avenue.  Not  such  a  soft 
snap  after  all.  “When  I  win  my  wife’s  affections.  I’ll  raise  your  wages.”  V/illie 
floored  and  the  ladies  have  a  little  set-to.  Old  acquaintances  hatch  a  nice  little  plot. 
The  doctor  and  the  undertaker  disappear  through  the  window,  and  the  plumber 
assumes  control  of  the  establishment.  The  greatest  scheme  of  all.  A  burglar  goes 
a  burgling.  Another  surprise  for  old  Butternut.  Uncle  Abel  is  mistaken  for  a  lunatic 
and  run  off  to  the  asylum,  and  Gophir  Bill  takes  the  last  trick. 

Act  III. — Hotel  parlor  at  Dover.  Uncle  Abel,  bent  on  vengeance,  sets  a  trap 
for  the  plumber.  Butternut  on  a  bicycle.  “She  bought  you  for  a  job  lot  and  got 
stuck.”  “Fixing”  the  Legislature.  “Telling  her  all.”  Willie’s  infernal  machine. 
Making  a  will  in  a  hurry.  Mrs.  Syrup  gives  up  boxing  lessons,  and  the  doctor  gets 
another  chance  in  business.  The  infernal  machine  knocks  out  the  Legislature.  Butter* 
Sut  on  the  matrimonial  market  again.  Finale. 


MILITARY  PLAYS 

25  CENTS  EACH 

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EDWARDS,  THE  SPY.  5  Acts;  21^  hours . 10  4 

PRISONER  OF  ANDERSONVIELE.  4  Acts;  2 hours..  10  4 

CAPTAIN  DICK.  3  Acts;  IJ^  hours  .  9  6 

ISABEE,  THE  PEARE  OF  CUBA.  4  Acts;  2  hours .  9  3 

EITTEE  SAVAGE.  3  Acts;  2  hours;  1  Stage  Setting .  4  4 

BY  FORCE  OF  IMPUESE.  (15  cents.)  5  Acts;  2 hours  9  3 

BETWEEN  TWO  FIRES.  (15  cents.)  3  Acts;  2  hours  8  3 

RURAL  PLAYS 

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MAN  FROM  MAINE.  5  Acts;  2*4  hours .  9  3 

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OAK  FARM.  3  Acts;  2^  hours;  1  Stage  Setting .  7  4 

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ENTERTAINMENTS 

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BACHEEOR  MAIDS’  REUNION.  1  Scene .  2  30 

IN  THE  FERRY  HOUSE.  1  Scene;  II4  hours .  19  15 

JAPANESE  WEDDING.  1  Scene;  1  hour .  3  10 

MATRIMONIAE  EXCHANGE.  2  Acts;  2  hours .  6  9 

OED  PEANTATION  NIGHT.  1  Scene;  1^  hours .  4  4 

YE  VIEEAGE  SIOSWE  OF  EONG  AGO.  1  Scene.  13  12 

FAMIEIAR  FACES  OF  A  FUNNY  FAMIEY .  8  11 

JOEEY  BACHEEORS.  Motion  Song  or  Recitation .  11 

CHRISTMAS  MEDEEY.  30  minutes .  15  14 

EASTER  TIDINGS.  20  minutes .  8 

BUNCH  OF  ROSES.  (15  cents.)  1  Act;  1 14  hours .  1  13 

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DICK  &  FITZGERALD,  Publishers,  18  Ann  Street,  N.  Y. 


COMEDIES  AND  DRAMAS 

25  CENTS  EACH 

31  *pi 

BREAKING  ms  BONDS.  4  Acts;  2  hours .  6  3 

BUTTERNUT’S  BRIDE.  3  Acts ;  214  hours .  n  6 

COLLEGE  CHUMS.  3  Acts;  2  hours;  1  Stage  Setting .  9  3 

COUNT  OF  NO  ACCOUNT.  3  Acts;  214  hours .  9  4 

DEACON.  5  Acts;  234  hours. . . .  g  g 

DELEGATES  FROM  DE?^~VER.  2  Acts;  45  minutes .  3  iO 

DOCTOR  BY  COURTESY.  3  Acts;  2  hours .  g  5 

EASTSIDERS,  The.  3  Acts;  2  hours;  1  Stage  Setting .  8  4 

ESCAPED  FROM  THE  LAW.  5  Acts;  2  hours .  7  4 

GIRL  FROM  PORTO  RICO.  3  Acts;  2}^  hours .  5  3 

GYPSY  QUEEN.  4  Acts;  2J4  hours .  5  3 

IN  THE  ABSENCE  OF  SUSAN.  3  Acts;  hours .  4  6 

JAIL  BIRD.  5  Acts;  2)^  hours .  g  3 

.JOSIAII’S  COURTSHIP.  4  Acts;  2  hours .  7  4 

MY  LADY  DARRELL.  4  Acts;  23^  hours .  9  6 

MY  UNCLE  FROM  INDIA.  4  Acts;  23^  hours .  13  4 

NEXT  DOOR.  3  Acts;  2  hours .  6  4 

PHYLLIS’S  INHERITANCE.  3  Acts;  2  hours .  6  9 

REGULAR  FLIRT.  3  Acts;  2  hours .  4  4 

ROGUE’S  LUCK.  3  Acts;  2  hours . 5  3 

SQUIRE’S  STRATAGEM.  5 Acts;  234  hours .  6  4 

STEEL  KING.  4  Acts;  234  hours .  6  3 

WHAT’S  NEXT  ?  3  Acts;  234  hours .  7  4 

WHITE  LIE.  4  Acts;  234  hours .  4  8 

WESTERN  PLAYS 

25  CENTS  EACH 

ROCKY  FORD.  4  Acts;  2  hours .  8  3 

GOLDEN  GULCH.  3  Acts;  234  hours .  11  3 

RED  ROSETTE.  3  Acts;  2  hours .  6  3 

MISS  MOSHER  OF  COLORADO.  4  Acts;  234  hours. . ..  5  8 

STUBBORN  MOTOR  CAR.  3  Acts;  2  hours;  1  Stage  Setting  7  4 

CRAWFORD’S  CLAIM.  (15  cents.)  3  Acts;  234  hours.  9  3 


DICK  &  FITZGERALD,  Publishers,  18  Ann  Street,  N.  Y. 


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